Joke thread.

I got no problems other than my ex wife is still alive, and I miss her, but my aims improving and I'll get her one day

But I must say I have been with my current wife for 6 years married for 2 with a 3 year old son and I wouldn't change a thing other than my wife's health that hasn't been good since our son was born.

 

all teasing put aside, MATCH

I HOPe you wife gets better.
As for as for me,
my ex and I really are begininng to care
for each other,
now that we are divorced.

love

 

The Elephants Graveyard.

A baby elephant is feeling sick and knows that his time is not long, his mother also knows this, so when he says I think I am going to die, his mother tells him that elephants don't just die anywhere, they have to go to the special and hidden elephants graveyard to die. She then tells him how to get there, the journey takes him many weeks, and already weakened by his terminal illness, when he finally gets there it is very late and just going dark.
He falls asleep, leaning on a big old bull elephant and manages to stay alive and rest for all of that long dark night.
Eventually the sun rises and the new day starts, the baby elephant and the big old bull both wake up simultaneously, so the big old feller looks down at the little baby and says, "Hello little feller, have you come here to die?"
The little baby elephant looks up at the big old bull elephant and with a puzzled look on his face says "No, I came here yesterdie"

 

Awww..that is cute! :lol:

 

Two friends from the town of Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, Canada were just fed up with the long harsh winter, so they went to a travel agent and booked a trip to Australia. They arrived in Australia still wearing their down jackets, wool hats and snow boots. They wandered into an airport pub and sat down. The locals wondered about these strangers, so one of the Aussies walked over to the visitors and said, "G'day mates, where'er you from?" One of the Canadians replied, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan." The Aussie nodded his head and returned to his table where his buddies asked, "So where are they from?"

"Don't know," replied the Aussie. "They don't speak English!"

 

What did the flour and water say to the fish?








I'm gonna batter you.

 

.

.

 

Love the health tip!!!! That was so funny that I must have been the one to post it. :snckr:

 

Death of a penguin
G-Rated

I never knew this.

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica - where do they go?

Wonder no more!!!

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

Then they kick him in the ice hole.

(You didn't really believe that I know anything about penguins, did you?)

 

For Rowal55555555555555 http://computerhelpforums.net/index.php?app=arcade&module=play&g=15

 

A man asked an old Indian what his wife's name was.

He replied, "she called Three Horse".

The man said, "that's an unusual name for your wife, what does it mean?"

The old Indian answered, "It old Indian name......




.......it mean Nag Nag Nag!"

 

[color=#] simple home remedies …

• If you can’t fix it with a hammer, you’ve got an electrical problem.
• Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat – use the sink.
• If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. then you’ll be afraid to cough.
• Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
• If you’re choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. presto! the blockage will instantly remove itself.
• A mouse trap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
• You only need two tools in life – Q20 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the Q20. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.
• For high blood pressure sufferers ~ simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure on your veins. remember to use a timer. [/color]

 

A friend went on a night out out and meal with other friends and got arrested for kicking a policeman.
He doesn't understand why as he was told it was his turn to foot the bill.

 

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.
A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noises coming from the area where Mozart was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, And it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh...the Sixth...the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate, he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery.

"My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing."

 

Don't Mess with Mature Women ​

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding...​

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?​

Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.​

Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.

Traffic Cop: Don't have one?

Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Traffic Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Traffic Cop: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Traffic Cop: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Traffic Cop: You what!?​

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see

The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!​

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.​

The traffic cop is quite stunned.

Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license quizzically.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!

Older Woman: Bet the lying %$#)*## told you I was speeding, too.

Don't Mess With Mature Ladies​

 

Still on the driving topic, any one in the UK about to go on the motorways,

a tanker of vicks vapour rub has crashed on the M6 - police have reported that there will be no congestion for at least 8 hours...

 

:snckr:

 

:snckr: