Joke thread.

A very amusing quote from a brilliant philosopher, Bertrand Russell (1872 - 1970).

It has been said that man is a rational animal. All my life I have been searching for evidence which could support this.
(Bertrand Russell)

i Don't know why,but I jussssst love this!!

 

Or as Elwood P. Dowd observed, having but recently enjoyed a pleasant drink with his best friend, a Pooka named Harvey,


" Well, I've wrestled with reality for 35 years, Doctor, and I'm happy to state I finally won out over it."

 

i enjoyed that quote so much I had to research this
guy ,ELwood P. Dowd.

"Years ago my mother used to say to me, she'd say, "In this world, Elwood, you must be" - she always called me Elwood - "In this world, Elwood, you must be oh so smart or oh so pleasant." Well, for years I was smart. I recommend pleasant. You may quote me."
haha, Love it.

I now have found another great quoter,
and have put him in my favorites.
thanks,KlickKatt
kayrose

 

Richard I am afraid that you and I may be the only ones who know who Elwood P. Dowd is or, for that matter, what a Pooka is.

 

Sorry Guys.This is the only "Elwood" I remember. :snckr:

 

Gasp .... could it be!

Perhaps they've never actually seen one???

 

i don't remember this one DSTm
But i sure did enjoy it.
Thanks

 

A Wish To Live Forever



I met a fairy today that said she would grant me one wish. "I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."
"Fine," I said, "then I want to die after Congress gets their heads out of their asses!"

"You crafty bast...!" said the fairy.

 

MR. SLIMPURSE—"But why do you insist that our daughter should marry a man whom she does not like? You married for love, didn't you?"

MRS. SLIMPURSE—"Yes; but that is no reason why I should let our daughter make the same blunder."

:lol:

 

Crack yourself up trying to say these funny tongue twisters!
Be sure to say these tongue twisters out loud…oh and make sure your friends are listening. HaHa!

Short Tongue Twisters

~ Black bug’s blood.

~ Flash message!

~ Flee from fog to fight flu fast!

~ Friendly Frank flips fine flapjacks.

~ Irish wristwatch.

~ The myth of Miss Muffet.

~ Please pay promptly.

~ Preshrunk silk shirts.

~ Red leather, yellow leather.

~ Unique New York.

~ Good blood, bad blood.

~ We surely shall see the sun shine soon.

~ I slit the sheet, the sheet I slit, and on the slitted sheet I sit.

~ Draw drowsy ducks and drakes.

~ Cedar shingles should be shaved and saved.

~ Brad’s big black bath brush broke.

~ Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.

~ She sells seashells by the sea shore.

~ A cup of proper coffee in a copper coffee cup.

~ Gray geese graze in the green, green grass.

~ Tounge twisters take Troy’s trucks to twitchy teachers. – Submitted by Anonymous

German Tongue Twisters

~ Doppelgänger goppeldänger – Submitted by Tim

:snckr:

 

Got this one in my email from one of my favorite guys
hopefully yall enjoy, lol
love
kayrose


AFTERNOON smile.

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt'!
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.
Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt', you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

NOTE: PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO ANYONE WHO NEEDS A LAUGH.
REMEMBER: LAUGHING LOWERS THE BLOOD PRESSURE.

 

LOOKED thru all of these jokes.
really enjoyed this thread.
thanks everyone.

im surre most of seen this one,
but ill post it anyway.


3 Kinds of Bras

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said.' I'd like to buy a bra for my wife'

'What type of bra?' asked the clerk.

'Type?' inquires the man' There is more than one type?'

'Look Around,' said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material.

'Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras,' replied the salesclerk.

Confused, the man asked what were the types.

The saleslady replied' The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?'

Still confused the man asked' What is the difference between them?'

The lady responded' It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.

 

HOWS YOUR DAY GOING?


A man was sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large trouble-making biker

stepped up to him, grabbed his drink and gulped it down.

"well, whatcha gonna do about it?" said the biker menacingly.

in response, the man burst into years.

"come on." the biker said. "i didnt think you`d cry. I cant stand to see a man crying".

"this is the worst day of my life". The man replied. "i`m a complete failure.

i was late for a meeting so my boss fired me.

when i went to the car park, i found my car had been stolen. and my car was not insured.

i left my wallet in the taxi i took home.

on arriving home i found my wife with another man, and then my bloody dog bit me".

"so i came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.

i bought a drink and sat here watching the poison dissolve,

then you showed up and drank the whole thing!

but enough about me, hows your day going?

 

:snckr: :snckr: :snckr: :snckr: :snckr: Dougie :lol:

my brother told me this one, and I don't know why
it was so funnyyy to me.

Hypothetically Speaking

A little boy goes up to his father and asks: "Dad, what's the difference between hypothetical and reality? " The father replies: "Well son, I could give you the book definitions, but I feel it could be best to show you by example. Go upstairs and ask your mother if she'd have sex with the mailman for $500,000. " The boy goes and asks his mother: "Mom, would you have sex with the mailman for $500,000? " The mother replies: "Hell yes I would!" The little boy returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'" The father then says: "Okay, now go and ask your older sister if she'd have sex with her principal for $500,000. " The boy asks his sister: "Would you have sex with your principal for $500,000? " The sister replies: "Hell yes I would!" He returns to his father: "Dad, she said 'Hell yes I would!'" The father answers: "Okay son, here's the deal: Hypothetically, we're millionaires, but in reality, we're just living with a couple of whores. "

 

well, I hit delete my cookies
and it kicked me right outta here.

:snckr: :lol:

 

FOR dougie

 

INTERESTING,

Love and Marriage!



I'm really steamed at my wife. She is so immature!Last night I was taking a bath and she came in and sunk all my little boats!But I'm really a lucky guy. I never realized how much my wife loved me until the other day when I was sick and stayed home from work. She was so happy to have me home, that every time someone came to the door, like the mailman or deliveryman, she'd shout, 'My husbands home! My husband's home!' What a gal I married!And for everyone that's still single, some notes on marriage. . . . . . Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering. . . . Marriage is an institution, but who wants to live in an institution? . . . Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. . . . Marriage is not a word; it is a sentence. . . . Marriage is the only sport in which the trapped animal has to buy the license. . . . Marriage still confers one very special privilege, only a married person can get divorced!

 

Marriage is for life, the only release being death.
Murder you get life, but they release you after 25 years.

:snckr:

 

poooooooooooor baby
yall sure got your problems.

one more time, sugah lumps.
im happily divorced.