Joke thread.

Crumbs, we seem to be a bit short on the humour around here, no new jokes since April??

I read the other day that a survey proved that four out of five people suffered from diarrhoea!!

Does that mean one of 'em actually enjoys it?

 

Here's one for you, Nev   :snckr:


An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket agent asked, "Sir, What's that on your shoulder?" 


The old farmer said, "That's my pet rooster chucky. Wherever i go chucky Goes."

"I'm sorry sir," said the ticket agent, "we can't allow animals in the Theatre."


The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the bird down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket, entered the theatre and sat down next to two old widows named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the rooster began to squirm. The old farmer unzipped his pants so chucky could stick his head out and watch the movie.

"Marge," whispered Mildred.

"What?" said Marge.

"I think the guy next to me is a pervert."

"What makes you think so?" asked Marge.

"He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out," whispered Mildred.

"Well, don't worry about it," said Marge, "at our age we've seen 'em all."

"I thought so too," said Mildred, "but this one's eatin' my popcorn!"  

 

 

A woman goes to her boyfriend's parents' house for Christmas dinner.


This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.

They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal.


The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty sneaker. 


It wasn't loud, but everyone at the table heard the poof.

Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing under the woman's chair, and said in a rather stern voice, 'Skippy!'.


The woman thought, 'This is great!' and a big smile came across her face.

A couple of minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again.

This time, she didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer rrrrrip.

The father again looked at the dog and yelled, 'Skippy!'

Once again the woman smiled and thought 'Yes!' A few minutes later the woman had to let another rip.. This time she didn't even think about it.

She let a fart rip that rivaled a train whistle blowing.


Once again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, 'Skippy, get away from her, before she schites on you!' :snckr:

 

they should put that on the bottles

 

I may just take that with a pinch of salt.

 

Don't Forget the Lime :snckr:

 

Elderly Driver
An elderly man is driving down the M1 when his mobile rings. Answering it, he hears his wife on the other end. 'Barry' she says,
'Please be careful when you're driving back. I just heard on the radio that there's a maniac on the M1. He's driving the wrong way!'
'It's not just one,'Barry replies, 'There's hundreds of them' 

 

I am not sure why you think that is funny????

 

Alzheimers or Aids ?


The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,

"Hello."

"Mrs. Sanders, please."

"Speaking."

"Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory.

When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a

biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well...

We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.

Frankly, either way the results are not too good."

"What do you mean?" Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the

other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."

"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs.Sanders.

"Normally we can, but MEDICARE will only pay for these expensive tests once."


"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"

"The MEDICARE Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off
somewhere in the middle of town.


If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.

 

Crazy Patients

A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room.

He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.

Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.

The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing.

The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?"

The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing.

Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb."

The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.

The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"

Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"



Boy;

A teenage boy goes into a pharmacy and asks:
-Do you have condoms?
The pharmacyst answers:
-Ofcourse we do.
Boy:
-Well than give me one.
The pharmacyst reaches to the condoms takes one and was about to print the bill for it when the boy said:
-You know i'm on my way to my girlfriends place for dinner, and she has a georgious sister and I think she expects something too.
The pharmacyst reaches for another one and was about to print the bill again, when the boy said:
-You know what, I think her mum expects something from me too, give me the whole packet.
The pharmacyst gives it to him charges for it and the boy leaves.

The dinner:
Everybody is sitting at the table the dinner is served and everybody is doing their prayers before dinner.
When the girls family was done praying they started to eat, but the boy was still praying.
The main course came and went, but the boy was still praying.
His girlfriend was wondering why is the boy behaveing so odd, she kicks him under the table and says to him:
-You never told me that you're so religious !?.
The boy answers:
-You never told me that you father is a pharmacyst!

 

World Wide Survey by Phone.

Last month a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was: "Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:


1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.


2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.


3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.


4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.


5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.


6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.


7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.


8. In UK they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

 

That is so funny, because its true, well for me in the UK anyway.

 

Afterlife of Bill Gates

One day Bill Gates died and went to heaven.

When he got there he met God.

God said "Where do you want to go Heaven or Hell?"

Bill Gates said, "Can I have a look at them first?"

So God showed him Heaven and there were all people in white drinking wine a playing harps and all the walls were white.

Next God took him to Hell. Bill Gates saw a beautiful beach with gorgeous women in colorful bikinis, all the iced beer a person could drink and everyone was splashing in the water and having fun.

Bill Gates choose Hell.


A few weeks later God went to visit Bill in Hell where he was to tied to a rock and the devils were surronding him and he screamed to God: "When you let me look at Hell, it was full of gorgeous women, iced beer and fun. What happened??!!?"

God replied, "Oh that? It was only a demo". :snckr:



Bill Gates in Heaven 2

When Bill Gates died, he went up to Heaven, where Saint Peter showed him to his house, a beautiful 20 room house, with grounds and a tennis court.

Bill Gates was pleased, and spent many months enjoying the amenities of Heaven.

One day, he was enjoying one of Heaven's many fine parks, when he ran into a man dressed in a fine tailored suit.

"That is a nice suit, my friend," said Gates. "Where did you get it?"

"Actually," the man replied, "I was given a hundred of these when I got here. I've been treated really well. I got a mansion on a hill overlooking a beautiful hill, with a huge five-hundred acre estate, a golf course, and three Rolls Royces."

"Were you a Pope, or a doctor healing the sick?" asked Gates.

"No," said his new friend, "Actually, I was the captain of the Titanic."

Hearing this made Gates so angry that he immediately stalked off to find St. Peter.

Cornering Peter, he told him about the man he had just met, saying, "How could you give me a paltry new house, while you're showering new cars, a mansion, and fine suits on the Captain of the Titanic? I invented the Windows operating system! Why does he deserve better??!"

"Yes, but we use Windows," replied Peter, "and the Titanic only crashed once." :snckr:

 

Cousin Billy is going to be very annoyed with you when I tell him about this.

 

He dont work for for Bill Gates does he :snckr:

 

Two old men decide they are close to their last days and decide to have a last night on the town. After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.

The Madam takes one look at the two old geezers and whispers to her manager, "Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. These two are so old and drunk, I am not wasting two of my girls on them. They won't even know the difference."

The manager does as he is told and the two old men go upstairs to take care of their business. As they are walking home the first man says, "You know, I think my girl was dead!"

"Dead?", says his friend, "Why do you say that?"

"Well, she never moved or made a sound all the time I was loving her."
His friend says, "Could be worse, I think mine was a witch."

"A witch?? . . . Why do you think that?"

"Well, I was making love to her, kissing her on the neck and I gave her a little bite. Then she farted and flew out the window . . . and took my teeth with her !!!"

 

Stuttering Problem

A guy walks into his doctor's office and says, "Ddddoc, I've bbbeen sssttttuttering ffor yyears and III'm tired of it. Ccccan yyyou hehehelp mmme???"

The doc says, "Well, I'll have to examine you first before I can answer you."

The doc examines him and says, "Well, I'm pretty sure that I know what the problem is."

The guy asks, "wwwell wwwhat is it, ddoc?"

The doc says,"It's your pe*is. It's about about 18 inches long and all of the down pressure is putting a strain on your vocal chords."

The guy asks, "Wwwhat ccan wwe ddo about it?"

The doc replies, "Well, I can cut it off and transplant a shorter one. I can guarantee that the operation will cure your stuttering."

The guy says, "Dddo it!"

The guy has the operation and about four weeks later he comes back to the doctor's office and says, "Thanks Doc. You've solved my problem and I don't stutter any more but I've only had sex once in the past month. My wife doesn't enjoy it any more. I cannot satisfy her. She liked my long pe*is. I don't care if I have to stutter, I want you to put my long one back one!"

The doc replies, "Nnnnope. A ddddeal's a ddddeal!"

 

Appropriate greetings from Forwarded Funnies



Wishes for the New Year

G-Rated
May your hair, your teeth, your face-lift, your abs and your stocks not fall; and may your blood pressure, your triglycerides, your cholesterol, your white blood count and your mortgage interest not rise.

May you get a clean bill of health from your dentist, your cardiologist, your gastro-enterologist, your urologist, your proctologist, your podiatrist, your psychiatrist and your plumber.

May what you see in the mirror delight you, and what others see in you delight them. May someone love you enough to forgive your faults, be blind to your blemishes, and tell the world about your virtues.