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Joke thread.

Discussion in 'The Comedy Club' started by DSTM (Dougie), May 15, 2009.

Page 5 of 15
  1. woodyblade

    woodyblade Inactive Staff Member

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    LOL dats a gud un
     
    woodyblade, Dec 29, 2009
    #81
  3. Mara

    Mara Registered Members

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    The kids brought up something awhile ago that made me smile ... and they've got a point! ... why is it that if everyone is speaking English, we can't understand each other?!

    I find it easier to understand someone from Australia (most of the time - grin) than I do someone from northern England, for instance. And it must be mutual as I remember a lot of confused looks on faces of people who swore Canadians have an accent. (We don't of course! :)).
     
    Mara, Dec 29, 2009
    #82
  4. woodyblade

    woodyblade Inactive Staff Member

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    Hehehe yeah we speak weird compared to others speaking English or at least us Northerners do, how about trying to read some of these, these are spelled how they would be said, plus a translation next to them if you don't know what they mean :).

    Summatsupeer - somethings up here

    Geritetten - get it eaten

    Aseegeeniter - has he gave it her

    Lerrimpurrizaton - let him put his hat on

    Supwithee - whats wrong with you

    Owzeeno - how does he know
     
    woodyblade, Dec 29, 2009
    #83
  5. Mara

    Mara Registered Members

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    I obviously lack the 'gift' - grin!

    Literally can spend a month with my much loved cousin from Northern England and still can only understand half of what he's saying:).
     
    Mara, Dec 29, 2009
    #84
  6. DSTM (Dougie)

    DSTM (Dougie) Registered Members

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    A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked
    about having a son.

    They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.

    The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.

    The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.

    He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.

    He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the father of this baby.
    Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling
    around behind my back?"

    The wife smiled sweetly and replied, "Not this time!" :lol:
     
    DSTM (Dougie), Jan 31, 2010
    #85
  7. allheart55 (Cindy E)

    allheart55 (Cindy E) Administrator Administrator

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    DISNEYLAND ​
    ​
    ​
    ​
    ​
    ​
    ​
    Two blondes were going to Disneyland . They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign that said Disneyland LEFT. They started crying and turned around and went home.



    FLORIDA OR MOON ​
    ​
    ​
    ​
    [color="#ff0000"][/color] ​
    [color="black"]Two blondes living in [/color] [font="Comic Sans MS"][color="black"]Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?' [/color] [/font][font="Comic Sans MS"][size="3"][color="black"]The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

    [/color][/size] [/font]    [b][font="Comic Sans MS"][size="3"][color="#ff0000"][center]CAR TROUBLE[/center][/color][/size] [/font][/b][font="Comic Sans MS"][b][font="Comic Sans MS"][color="black"][color="#ff0000"][/color]
    [/color] [/font][/b][font="Comic Sans MS"][size="3"][b][font="Comic Sans MS"][color="black"]A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly. [/color] [/font][/b][font="Comic Sans MS"][b][font="Comic Sans MS"][color="black"]She says, 'What's the story?' [/color] [/font][/b][font="Comic Sans MS"][b][font="Comic Sans MS"][color="black"]He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor' [/color] [/font][/b][font="Comic Sans MS"][/font][/font][/font][/size][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][b][font="Comic Sans MS"][size="3"][color="black"]She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

    [/color][/size] [/font][/b][font="Comic Sans MS"][b][font="Comic Sans MS"][size="3"][color="#ff0000"][center]SPEEDING TICKET[/center][/color][/size] [/font][/b][font="Comic Sans MS"][b][font="Comic Sans MS"][color="black"][color="#ff0000"][/color]
    [/color] [/font][/b][font="Comic Sans MS"][b][font="Comic Sans MS"][size="3"][color="black"]A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. [/color][/size] [/font][/b][font="Comic Sans MS"][b][font="Comic Sans MS"][size="3"][color="black"]She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together.
    Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

    [/color][/size] [/font][/b][font="Comic Sans MS"][color="#ff0000"][b][font="Comic Sans MS"][size="3"][center]RIVER WALK[/center][/size] [/font][/b][font="Comic Sans MS"][/font][/color][font="Comic Sans MS"][b][font="Comic Sans MS"][color="black"]
    [b][font="Comic Sans MS"][color="black"][/color] [/font][/b][font="Comic Sans MS"][size="3"]There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?' [/size][/font][/color][font="Comic Sans MS"] [/font][/font][/b][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][b][font="Comic Sans MS"][size="3"][color="black"]The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

    [/color][/size] [/font][/b][font="Comic Sans MS"][b][font="Comic Sans MS"][color="#fffc49"][size="3"][color="#ff0000"][center]AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE[/center][/color][/size]
    [/color] [/font][/b][font="Comic Sans MS"][b][font="Comic Sans MS"][color="black"][/color] [/font][/b][font="Comic Sans MS"][size="3"][b][font="Comic Sans MS"][color="black"]A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it. [/color] [/font][/b][font="Comic Sans MS"][b][font="Comic Sans MS"][color="black"]'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.' [/color] [/font][/b][font="Comic Sans MS"][b][font="Comic Sans MS"][color="black"]The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream. [/color] [/font][/b][font="Comic Sans MS"][b][font="Comic Sans MS"][color="black"]The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you? [/color] [/font][/b][font="Comic Sans MS"][b][font="Comic Sans MS"][color="black"]'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.' [/color] [/font][/b][font="Comic Sans MS"][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/size][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][b][font="Comic Sans MS"][size="3"][color="black"]'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'

    [/color][/size][color="#ff0000"][/color] [/font][/b][font="Comic Sans MS"][b][font="Comic Sans MS"][size="3"][color="#ff0000"][center]KNITTING[/center][/color][/size] [/font][/b][font="Comic Sans MS"][b][font="Comic Sans MS"][color="black"][color="#ff0000"][/color]
    [/color] [/font][/b][font="Comic Sans MS"][size="3"][b][font="Comic Sans MS"][color="black"]A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting! [/color] [/font][/b][font="Comic Sans MS"][b][font="Comic Sans MS"][color="black"]Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!' [/color] [/font][/b][font="Comic Sans MS"][/font][/font][/size][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][b][font="Comic Sans MS"][size="3"][color="black"]'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

    [/color][/size] [/font][/b][font="Comic Sans MS"][b][font="Comic Sans MS"][size="3"][color="#ff0000"][center]BLONDE ON THE SUN[/center][/color][/size] [/font][/b][font="Comic Sans MS"][b][font="Comic Sans MS"][color="black"][color="#ff0000"][/color]
    [/color] [/font][/b][font="Comic Sans MS"][size="3"][b][font="Comic Sans MS"][color="black"]A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. [/color] [/font][/b][font="Comic Sans MS"][b][font="Comic Sans MS"][color="black"]The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!' [/color] [/font][/b][font="Comic Sans MS"][b][font="Comic Sans MS"][color="black"]The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!' [/color] [/font][/b][font="Comic Sans MS"][b][font="Comic Sans MS"][color="black"]The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!' The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. [/color] [/font][/b][font="Comic Sans MS"][b][font="Comic Sans MS"][color="black"]'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian. [/color] [/font][/b][font="Comic Sans MS"][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/size][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][b][font="Comic Sans MS"][size="3"][color="black"]To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'
    [/color][/size] [/font][/b][font="Comic Sans MS"][b][font="Comic Sans MS"][color="#ff0000"][center][size="3"]IN A VACUUM[/size][/center][center][size="3"][/size][/center][/color] [/font][/b][font="Comic Sans MS"][b][font="Comic Sans MS"][color="black"][color="#ff0000"][/color]
    [/color] [/font][/b][font="Comic Sans MS"][b][font="Comic Sans MS"][size="3"][color="black"]A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night... It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?' She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

    [/color][/size] [/font][/b][font="Comic Sans MS"][b][font="Comic Sans MS"][color="#ff0000"][center][size="3"]FINALLY, THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES[/size][/center][/color][center] [/center][/font][/b][font="Comic Sans MS"][center][b][font="Comic Sans MS"][color="#fffc49"][color="#ff0000"][size="3"]![/size][/color][/color][/font][/b][/center][b][font="Comic Sans MS"][color="#fffc49"][color="#ff0000"][/color]
    [/color] [/font][/b][font="Comic Sans MS"][size="3"][b][font="Comic Sans MS"][color="black"]A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?' 'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs'![/color] [/font][/b][font="Comic Sans MS"] [/font][/size][font="Comic Sans MS"][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font]    [font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"] [/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font]    [font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"][font="Comic Sans MS"] [size="3"] [/size][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font]
     
    allheart55 (Cindy E), Feb 25, 2010
    #86
  8. BeeCeeBee

    BeeCeeBee ADMINISTRATOR IN MEMORY

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    Thank you for your timely contribution to the forums. :snckr:
     
    BeeCeeBee, Feb 25, 2010
    #87
  9. DSTM (Dougie)

    DSTM (Dougie) Registered Members

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    A Blonde gets a job as a teacher

    On her first day she notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids
    are running around having fun.



    She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.


    'You ok?' she says.


    'Yes.' he says.


    'You can go and play with the other kids you know' she says.



    'It's best I stay here.' he says.



    'Why?' asks the blonde.

    The boy says: "Because I'm the *&^$#$@&*^ goal keeper" [​IMG]
     
    DSTM (Dougie), Feb 25, 2010
    #88
  10. Match

    Match Registered Members

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    I remember saying something about Red Heads, and suddenly found I was surrounded by them, so I'm not making the same mistake with Blonde's

    People with a lack of hair pigment can't be held responsible for having an Intelligence Quota proportionate or relative to their physical age, It would appear to be a phenomenon linked genetically to there predisessors emphasised by some strange urge of the male gender to procreate with females that are lacking in the necessary gene's to create the pigment.

    :D
     
    Match, Feb 25, 2010
    #89
  11. ZombieReaper33

    ZombieReaper33 Junior Member

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    A Welsh man buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

    After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help.

    The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.


    The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant.

    The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

    The man hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself.

    So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

    Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.

    He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

    Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.

    Try again, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed.

    The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window.

    He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass.

    No, she says, they’re all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn.     ​
     
    ZombieReaper33, Mar 3, 2010
    #90
  12. allheart55 (Cindy E)

    allheart55 (Cindy E) Administrator Administrator

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    A solution to all the controversy over full-body scanners at the airports.


    Have a booth that you can step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on you.


    It would be a win-win for everyone, there would be none of this crap about racial profiling, and this method would eliminate a long and expensive trial. Justice would be quick and swift..

    Case Closed
     
    allheart55 (Cindy E), Mar 7, 2010
    #91
  13. AnnieSt

    AnnieSt Registered Members

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    A lttle old lady was toodling down the highway in her baby blue VW Bug when she sees another baby blue VW Bug stopped on the side of the road with another little old lady at the wheel, crying.

    The first lady pulls over to the shoulder, gets out, and asks, "What on earth is the matter, honey. Can I help?"

    The second little old lady can hardly speak through her tears but says, " My car (sob,sob) started making a funny noise (sob-sob) so I pulled over to lift the hood."

    She stopped to look up at her roadside helper. "Isn't that what people do when their cars break down on the road, open the hood?" She was assured that was so.

    Sobbing so she could hardly continue. "Well, when I opened the hood, I didn't have an an an ENGINE!" And she broke down wailing.

    The first little lady patted her on the shoulder through the window.

    "Honey, don't you fret a bit. It just so happens I have a spare engine in my trunk you can have!"
     
    AnnieSt, Mar 7, 2010
    #92
  14. DSTM (Dougie)

    DSTM (Dougie) Registered Members

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    :snckr: Very Funny,Annie.
    Years ago, I worked in a Gas Station.
    I often went to the front, to check the Oil,in VW'S, not thinking. :rolleyes:
     
    DSTM (Dougie), Mar 7, 2010
    #93
  15. Match

    Match Registered Members

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    Rofl the old ones are the best :) especially when you can't remember the punch line :snckr:
     
    Match, Mar 7, 2010
    #94
  16. DSTM (Dougie)

    DSTM (Dougie) Registered Members

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    Two Blondes With Hammers...

    Lynn and Ruth were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House. Lynn was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail and either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

    Ruth, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, 'Why are you throwing those nails away?' Lynn explained, 'When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end and I throw them away.' Ruth got completely upset and yelled, 'You moron! Those nails aren't defective! They're for the other side of the house!' :snckr:
     
    DSTM (Dougie), Mar 28, 2010
    #95
  17. KlickKatt

    KlickKatt Inactive Staff Member

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    For some reason this reminds me of the unfortunate dyslectic, agnostic, insomniac who would lie awake at night wondering if there really was a Dog. :snckr:
     
    KlickKatt, Mar 28, 2010
    #96
  18. BeeCeeBee

    BeeCeeBee ADMINISTRATOR IN MEMORY

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    I heard that many years ago I liked it then and like it even better now.:thmbup:
     
    BeeCeeBee, Mar 28, 2010
    #97
  19. Match

    Match Registered Members

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    Thanks nice to have a laugh :)
     
    Match, Mar 28, 2010
    #98
  20. Plastic Nev

    Plastic Nev SUPER MODERATOR IN MEMORY

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    2,801
    Location:
    In front of a monitor in Blackburn Lanc's UK.
    Operating System:
    Windows 7
    I have a blonde friend, she got a large envelope in the post which had the words DO NOT BEND written on it.
    She still hasn't worked out how to pick it up.
     
    Plastic Nev, Apr 25, 2010
    #99
  21. bob12a

    bob12a Senior Member

    Joined:
    Aug 14, 2009
    Messages:
    857
    Location:
    uk
    Operating System:
    Windows 7
    Computer Brand or Motherboard:
    MEDIONPC MS-7204
    CPU:
    3.00 gigahertz Intel Pentium D 16 kilobyte primary memory cache 1024 kilobyte secondary memory cache
    Memory:
    3072 Megabytes Installed Memory Slot 'A0' has 512 MB Slot 'A1' has 512 MB Slot 'A2' has 512 MB Sl
    Hard Drive:
    910.14 Gigabytes Usable Hard Drive Capacity 376.83 Gigabytes Hard Drive Free Space
    Power Supply:
    NVIDIA GeForce 6700 XL [Display adapter] Samsung SyncMaster [Monitor] (22.0"vis, s/n HS2P405617, A
    That reminds me Nev

    Many the postman proved to me years ago.

    PHOTOGRAPHS DO NOT BEND

    They do.
     
    bob12a, Apr 26, 2010
    #100
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