Joke thread.

:yks:...............ROFL, not sure if some may find that funny but I think it is so if you find it offensive, don't read it

 

Ten Ways to Tell if a Redneck has been Working on a Computer

10. The monitor is up on blocks.
9. Outgoing faxes have chewing tobacco stains on them.
8. The six front keys are rotted out.
7. The wallpaper is a Confederate flag.
6. The numeric key pad only goes up to six.
5. The password is "Bubba".
4. There is a gun rack mounted on the side of the CPU.
3. There is a Skoal can resting on the CD-ROM drive.
2. The keyboard is painted in camouflage.

AND THE NUMBER 1 WAY TO TELL IF A REDNECK HAS BEEN WORKING ON YOUR COMPUTER IS...

1. The mouse is referred to as a "Critter".

 

Thomas the Tank Engine
A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room..
She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You bastards who want off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.
The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'
She hears the little boy continue,
'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'
As the mother began to smile, the child added..........
'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen.

 

Huge laugh and wouldn't the little fellow get no dessert for a year after that one!

 

Rofl, and wouldn't the mothers face be a picture

 

Diagnosis

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the

doctor's office and said that her body

hurt wherever she touched it.

'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'

The redhead took her finger, pushed on her

left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed

her elbow and screamed even more.

She pushed her knee and screamed;

likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.

Everywhere she touched made her scream.

The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead,

are you?

'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'

'I thought so,' the doctor said,

'Your finger is broken.'

 

Now thats what I call funny

 

Yup, a good one!!! (Now you two better run for cover when a blond reads it - huge grin).

 

Yeah that is a good one.

I think I have told this before but nevermind.......

A Bear walks into a pub and says to the barman I'll have a pint of lager and a erm.................................packet of cheese and onion crisps , the barman replies 'why the big paws'

 

A man gets pulled over by the police for speeding, as the policeman approaches the man winds his window down and says don't come any closer there is a body in my boot and I'll shoot you if you come any closer ........

The policeman runs back to his car and requests backup which arrives, 3 more cars a helicopter and a detective show up....

The detective approaches the car and says to the man hands up and move away from the car to which the man replies whats all this about ...

the detective says my colleague says you have a body in your boot and you threatened to shoot him ...the man laughs and says He will tell you I was speeding next ....

 

Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Complain About Our Pets

1. They live here. You don't.

2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy and walks on all fours. Although they don't speak clearly, they communicate extremely well, especially cats.

5. Dogs and cats are better than kids ...they eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called (this does not apply to cats), never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college. Also, if they get pregnant, you can sell the children!!!

 

hahaha some of these are pretty good haha, i have a reallllllllllly i mean realllly corny one for everyone to enjoy

a man walks into a bar with a giraffe. the bartender says you can't leave that lying there. the man replies its not a lion its a giraffe.

haha and another one thats a little better and a blonde joke

one day a man walked into the kitchen to see his wife sitting at the table. He asked her what she was doing and she replied " I'm putting a puzzle together. It's suppose to be a tiger". The man looked at here stumped and then told her "Hunny put the frosted flakes back in the box"

 

ROFLMAO now thats funny, frosties

 

No Frosties in the USA but Tony the Tiger is alive and well and eating Frosted Flakes!

 

A farmer cleaning his gun one night accidentaly shoots his wife

Quickly he phones the emergancy services, when the operator answers,

He says"I've accedentally shot my wife"

The operator reply's "Calm down first things first, can you make sure she is dead"

the farmer replys "One moment"

the operator hears the farmer place the reicever down and then the operator heard "Click.......BANG"

then the farmer picks up the reicever and say"Right done that what next"

 

Yeah that is an old but good one Match

 

Still laughing!!

 

This is the kind of Lingo, I get, when I ring my Internet Provider, for Technical assistance.

"TENJOOBERRYMUDS"...


Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: " Rye. Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."

Room Service: "Ow July den?"

Guest: ".....What??"

Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... pryed, boyud, poochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"

Guest: "I.... don't think so.."

RoomService: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin! !! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an Engli sh muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We bodder?"

Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... just put the butter on the side."

RoomService: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

RoomService: "Copy...tea..meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... and that's everything."

RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy ... rye??"

Guest: "Whatever you say."
RoomService: "Tenjooberrymuds."

Guest: "You're welcome"

Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS' "......and you do, don't you!

TENJOOBERRYMUDS

 

Jure wecum!

 

Oh my dod, I still don't understand it!