Joke thread.

Holy Prostitutes

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES

He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.

Soon he sees another sign which reads:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES

Suddenly he begins to realize
that these signs are for real
and drives past a third sign
saying:

SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking
lot is a stone building with a
small sign next to the door
reading:

SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

He climbs the steps and rings
the bell. The door is answered
by a nun in a long black habit
who asks, 'What may we do for
you my son?'

He answers, 'I saw your signs
along the highway and was
interested in possibly doing business.'

'Very well my son. Please follow me.'

He is led through many winding
passages and is soon quite disoriented.

The nun stops at a closed door
and tells the man,

'Please knock on this door.'

He does so and another nun in
a long habit, holding a tin
cup answers the door.

This nun instructs,'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'

He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.

The door locks, and he finds
himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:

GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN S#####D BY THE SISTERS OF ST.FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT,
YOU SINNER!

 

LOL like it, hope you don't mind but had to edit the punch line slightly, as we would like to keep our site Family friendly

 

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks.

His wife, Marsha, had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late. "Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy. The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

 

When I was living in rural Ireland I decided to buy some sheep and try my hand at farming. Unfortunately I get taken and received 5 sheep all female. Not to be outdone I took them to a friend who owned a pretty good herd for some breeding.

"How will I know if they are pregnant", I asked.

If you wake up the next morning and they are grazing that will indicate that they are "with child,"He replied.

So I woke up the next morning and there was no sign of any grazing. I took them back for a "new try."

Again the next morning - No Grazing.

Back to the farm again and again - No Grazing.

I repeated this process at least a dozen times with the same result.

Finally I got so tired of it that I asked my wife to go out and look since I could not take the disappointment any longer.

Out she went to look and when she returned I asked her what was happening.

"Well," she said, "Four of them are in the back of the van and the other one is blowing the horn."

 

World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said, 'NO!' And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

The end

 

Now ain't that the truth

 

I know these arent that great but hey.......

A polar bear walks into a pub and says i'l have a pint of lager and a erm...............................................bag of nuts.
Bartender answers why the big pause (paws)

A lobster walks into a bar and gets chased out right away by the landlord.
He tries again and again gets immediately chased out again.
He reattempts the next day and as the landlord comes from round the bar the lobster says 'whoa, whoa, can you please tell me exactly what I have done that I am not welcome here'
Landlord replies you come into my bar giving it all this (this being the lobster claw movement as if talking)

lol - not the best but hey.

This is a family forum

 

talking of Bad jokes

a man walked into a bar, and asked the Bar man for 10mm of larger in a glass and the rest to be filled with water, the barman replied you cant drink that, the man said you would drink that if you had what I had, the barman puzzled looked at him and said what do you have, the man replied 10p (15cents US).

after acquiring his drink he went and sat down next to a man with a lovely German Shepard dog under his seat, being sociable he turned to the man and asked does your dog bite, the man replied No my dogs as soft as a brush encouraged by this he bent down to pet the dog on the head, who promptly bit the man's hand, surprised and annoyed he turned to the man and said thought you said your dog doesn't bite, the man replied that's not my dog, my dogs at home.

 

That is actually funny

 

I love this Doctor

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn.
And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient
mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.
Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention
of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body,
but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride!'



AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats
and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

 

LOL

Right then where do I enrole for Japaneese lessons?

Heart disease deaths statistics - countries compared - NationMaster

 

The Dating Game.

A boy and girl in high school started dating for a while and things were going so well that the girl decided to invite the boy on a weekend trip. She said "I want you to come spend the weekend at our lakehouse and meet my parents. While we're there, I'd also like to take our relationship to the next level." "I'm there" the boy replied. The boy was so excited that he ran straight to the pharmacy to pick up some protection. He walked up to the pharmacist and told him about his weekend to come and said he needed some condoms. The pharmacist asked "do you want the 3 pack, 6 pack, or family sized 24 pack?" the boy replied " "I plan on getting busy all weekend. Give me the family pack." "Sure thing" said the pharmacist. That weekend the boy went to the lakehouse and the whole family was sitting down at the dinner table to pray. the girls father asked the boy to say grace. The boy prayed and prayed. Almost ten minutes went by. Finally, the girl leaned over to the boy and said, "you never told me that you were so religious" the boy replied, "You never told me that your dad was a pharmacist"

 

Family Packs of Condoms, always strike me as a contradiction :huh:

 

The sharing of marriage...

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered































'THE TEETH.'

 

Re: Swine Flu

Wife calls hubby and says, "I've run out of petrol, but I'm scared to fill up in case of swine flu."
Hubby replies, " You daft cow, its from Mexico not Texaco!!"

 

I Don't understand that teeth business, why not one use the uppers and the other the lowers and then nobody's dinner will get cold?

 

Tommy Cooper may not have told all of these, but he would have been proud to have done so.


I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, 'That's Aboriginal.'
-----------------------
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
------------------------
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said 'Tenpin?' I said, 'No, permanent.'
-----------------------
I went in to a pet shop. I said, 'Can I buy a goldfish?' The guy said, 'Do you want an aquarium?' I said, 'I don't care what star sign it is.'
----------------------------
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best before End'
---------------------------
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue.' I said 'No, just a watch.'
------------------------------
I went into a shop and I said, 'Can someone sell me a kettle.' The bloke said 'Kenwood' I said, 'Where is he then?'
--------------------------
My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bi-satchel.
------------------------
I went to the doctor. I said to him 'I'm frightened of lapels.' He said, 'You've got cholera.'
---------------------------
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name, its P something T something R.
----------------------------
I was reading this book today, The History of Glue. I couldn't put it down.
----------------------------
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on.
---------------------------
The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work? I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'
--------------------------
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, 'You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana.' He said, 'No, this is for the custard.'
----------------------
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, 'I want you to trace someone for me..'
--------------------------
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, 'Are you having me on?' I said, 'Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you anything.'
----------------------------
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them 'Can I have a skip outside my house?' He said, 'I'm not stopping you!'
--------------------------------
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says 'Audi!'
--------------------------
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
------------------------------
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and asked me what had happened. I said 'I careered off the road'
----------------------
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a cat in there..
-------------------------
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
------------------------
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said 'Eurostar' I said 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.
---------------------------
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the splits. He said, 'How flexible are you?' I said, 'I can't make Tuesdays or Thursdays.'
--------------------------------
I went to the local video shop and I said, 'Can I borrow Batman Forever?' He said, 'No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow'

 

A Missouri Sheriff stops at a ranch in rural MO
and talks with an old farmer.

He tells the farmer, 'I need to inspect
your ranch for illegally grown drugs.'

The old farmer says, 'Okay, but don't go in that field over there.'

The Sheriif verbally explodes saying,
'Mister, I have the authority of the
Sheriffs Department with me..' Reaching
into his rear pant pocket and
removing his badge. The officer proudly
displays it to the farmer.
'See this badge? This badge means
I am allowed to go wherever
I wish....on any land. No questions asked
or answers given.
Have I made myself clear?
Do you understand?'

The old farmer nods politely and
goes about his chores.

Later, the old farmer hears loud screams
and spies the Sheriff running for
his life and close behind is the farmer's bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground
on the officer. The Sheriff is clearly terrified.....

The old farmer immediately throws down
his tools, runs to the fence and yells
at the top of his lungs.....

'Your badge!
Show him your badge, Smartass!'

 

A woman was in town on a shopping trip.

She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second.

In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang

It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she’d be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. She decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful slice of cake complimentary from the last shop. She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband.


Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her Husband’s condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn’t you!

I hope you’re proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It’s just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you’ll now be his carer!"

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed.........
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

The lady doctor then chuckled and said,

"I’m just pulling your leg.

He’s dead. What did you buy?"

 

THREE MEN.

Three men - an Australian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a
Biker are all walking together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
'I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total',
says the Genie.
The Australian says, 'I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Australia '
POOF! With the blink of the Genie's eye, the land in Australia was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, 'I want a wall around Afghanistan , Palestine , Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Australians
can come into our precious land.'
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie's eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Biker says,'I am very curious.
Please tell me more about this wall.'
The Genie explains, 'Well, it's about 5,000 feet high, 5oo feet thick and completely surrounds the country. Nothing can get in or out;
it's virtually impenetrable.'
The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lites a joint,
smiles and says,
'Fill it with water.'