Joke thread.

Thanks! Glad you both enjoyed that one.

 

PONDERISMS
· I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

· There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

· Life is sexually transmitted.

· Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

· The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

· Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

· Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

· Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

· All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

· In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal..

· How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

0A· Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?
· If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

· Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

· If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

· If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

· Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
· Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

· Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

· Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?

 

2 and could not sleep so I decided to look in. Thanks for the laugh!

 

Walking on water

Three monks decided to practice meditation together. they sat by the side of a lake and closed their eyes in concentration. Then suddenly, the first one stood up and said, "I forgot my mat." He stepped miraculously onto the water in front of him and walked across the lake to their hut on the other side.

When he returned, the second monk stood up and said, "I forgot to put my the other underwear to dry." He too walked calmly across the water and returned the same way. The third monk watched the first two carefully in what he decided must be the test of his own abilities. "Is your learning so superior to mine? I too can match any feat you two can perform," he declared loudly and rushed to the water's edge to walk across it. He promptly fell into the deep water.

Undeterred, the yogi climbed out of the water and tried again, only to sink into the water. Yet again he climbed out and yet again he tried, each time sinking into the water. This went on for some time as the other two monks watched.

After a while, the second monk turned to the first and said, "Do you think we should tell him where the stones are?"

 

Spring Classes for Women at
THE
ADULT LEARNING CENTER

REGISTRATION MUST BE COMPLETED
by Tuesday, June 30th , 2009

NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL,
CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS.


Class 1
Up in Winter, Down in Summer - How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 wks, Mondays and Wednesdays for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM
Class 2
Which Takes More Energy - Putting the Toilet Seat Down, or Bitching
About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturdays 12:00 for 3 hours
Class 3
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping? -- Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturdays 10:00 PM for 3 hours
Class 4
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase -- Pictures and
Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks (may require addtl classes)
Class 5
Curling Irons -- Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesdays and Thursdays for 2 hours beginning
at 7:00 PM
Class 6
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program.
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Fridays and Sundays at 7:00 PM for hours and hours
Class 7
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Open Forum.
Mondays at 8:00 PM for 2 hours
Class 8
Health Watch -- They Make Medicine for PMS - USE IT!
Three nights; Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays at 7:00 PM for 2 hours
Class 9
I Was Wrong and He Was Right! -- Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM - Location to be determined (only one person signed up)

Class 10
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
Driving Simulations.
4 weeks, Saturdays at noon for 2-4 hours
Class 10
Learning to Live -- How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers
Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM - Location to be determined (needed - large parking lot)
Class 12
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 wks, Tuesdays and Thursdays for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM
Class 13
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy -- Remembering To Take a List To The
Store, Avoiding Separate Trips for Each Item Needed.
Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and Full Lobotomies Offered.
Three nights; Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays at 7:00 PM for 2-12 hours
Class 14
The Stove / Oven -- What It Is and How It Is Used.
Live Demonstration.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM - safe location to be determined

Upon completion of any of the above courses, diplomas will be issued
to the survivors.

 

> > A new sign
> > in the Bank Lobby reads:
> >
> > 'Please note that this Bank is installing new
> >
> > Drive-through ATM machines
> > enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their
> > vehicles.
> >
> >
> > Customers using
> > this new facility are requested to use the procedures
> > outlined below when
> > accessing their accounts.
> >
> > After months of careful research, MALE &
> > FEMALE Procedures have been developed.
> > Please follow the appropriate steps
> > for your gender.
> >
> > *******************************
> >
> > MALE
> > PROCEDURE:
> > 1. Drive up to the cash machine.
> >
> > 2. Put down your car window.
> >
> > 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
> >
> > 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
> >
> > 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
> > 6. Put window up.
> > 7. Drive off.
> >
> >
> >
> > *******************************
> >
> >
> >
> > FEMALE
> > PROCEDURE:
> >
> >
> > 1. Drive up to cash machine.
> >
> >
> > 2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window
> > with the machine.
> >
> >
> > 3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
> >
> > 4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to
> > locate card.
> >
> >
> > 5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
> >
> >
> > 6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
> >
> > 7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its
> > excessive distance from the car.
> >
> > 8. Insert card.
> >
> >
> > 9. Re-insert card the right way.
> >
> > 10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the
> > inside back page.
> >
> > 11. Enter PIN.
> >
> >
> > 12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
> >
> > 13. Enter amount of cash required.
> >
> > 14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

> > 15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
> >
> >
> > 16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash
> > inside.
> >
> >
> > 17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in
> > back of check book

> > 18. Re-check makeup.

> > 19. Drive forward 2 feet.

> > 20. Reverse back to cash machine.
> >
> > 21. Retrieve card.
> >
> >
> > 22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into
> > the slot provided!
> >
> > 23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
> >
> >
> > 24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
> >
> > 25. Redial person on cell phone.
> >
> > 26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
> >
> > 27. Release Parking Brake.

 

Patrick, shame on you that is offensive to a large portion of our membership.

Of course the truth often is.

 

Hmm let me think

Help4me, female USA
Pchelp68, Female USA
allheart, Female USA

me Male, UK

Distance From USA to UK 4,300 miles approx

a woman's arm 3ft

SO there for I am relatively safe to say:lglaf: rofl that's funny

 

Good joke but when I go to the ATM and drive through I have my card ready slip in and get my business done. Common courtesy of others waiting behind you is a US custom.

 

Ok sice we have a woman joke in here I guess it's alright to put a man joke in here!

Understanding Men

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Translated: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Translated: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Translated: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Translated: "That girl standing on the corner is a real babe."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
Translated: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Translated: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Translated: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot our anniversary."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES."
Translated: "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"OH, DON'T FUSS - I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Translated: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Translated: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Translated: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Translated: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE."
Translated: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC."
Translated: "Oh, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Translated: "No one will ever see us alive again."

 

Only if your a woman, Men talking down about other men is strictly forbidden

Rofl how true

 

Glad we can all get a kick out of jokes about eachothers gender!

 

LOL those are the least, Offensive jokes i have

 

This brought back some memories for me.

How Did We Ever Survive??

This is for all of you who were raised in the 1940's, 50's, and 60's!!

First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they carried us.

They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.

Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets, not to mention, the risks we took hitchhiking.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags (not to mention no air conditioning!)

Riding in the back of a pick up on a warm day was always a special treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.

We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.

We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soda pop with sugar in it, but we weren't overweight because...

WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.

No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.

We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.

We did not have Playstations, Nintendo's, X-boxes, no video games at all, no 99 channels on cable, no video tape movies, no surround sound, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms..........WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!

We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.

We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us forever.

We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls and although we were told it would happen, we did not put out very many eyes.

We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!

Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn't had to learn to deal with disappointment. Not one parent sued to get their son on the team. Imagine that!!

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever!

The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.

We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL!

And YOU are one of them! You survived your youth. Imagine that.

 

Ahhh the memories of chidhood how much fun it all was

and still is when I get the chance

 

I had to do It this was funny.


A Powerful Message from Stevie Wonder…

On Michael Jackson’s Death…
....... .. … … .. …..
.. . . … . . . . . .. . ... …. .. .. . … ..
... ... ... ... ... ... ... .... ...... ..... .. ... .... ..... . .
.. . . … .... . . . ..
... . .... ... .... .... ...
. ..... .... .... .... ..... ..... ..... .. . . .... ....
. .. .
. . .. . .. . ...
...... ... .... ... .. ... ....... ... .. .... ... ... .... ....
. .. .. .
.. ....
.. . . . . . .. .. … ..
.. .... .. ... ... ....... ...... .....
Deep stuff, eh?
I nearly cried when he said “. .. . . . .. .. … .. .. . . ..... ....”

 

Wall of Clocks.

Donald Rumsfeld died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St.Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said Rumsfeld, "whose clock is that?" "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible," said Rumsfeld. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Bush's clock?" asked Rumsfeld.

"Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

 

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding....

Older Woman : Is there a problem, Officer?
Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.

Traffic Cop: Don't have one?

Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Traffic Cop: I see....Can I see your vehicle registration papers
please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Traffic Cop: Why not?

Older
Woman: I stole this car.

T raffic Cop: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Traffic Cop: You what!?
Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if
you want to see

The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car
while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the
car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half
drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this
car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car,
please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The traffic cop is quite stunned.

Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving
license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and
hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license quizzically.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my
officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car,
and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!

Older Woman: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too.

 

I did not see that coming! Good one.

 

ROFL, must remember that one, if nothing else its worth a try to avoid a fine