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Joke thread.

Discussion in 'The Comedy Club' started by DSTM (Dougie), May 15, 2009.

  1. Plastic Nev

    Plastic Nev SUPER MODERATOR IN MEMORY

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    A man goes into the doctors feeling a little ill.

    The doctor checks him over and says, 'Sorry, I have some bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.

    It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live.

    There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your final precious moments on earth..'

    So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.

    Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her that evening as he's never been there with her before.

    They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he gets four corners and wins £35.

    Then, with the same card, he gets a line and wins £320

    Then he gets the full house and wins £1000.

    Then the National Game comes up and he wins that too getting £380,000.

    The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says,
    'Son, I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone win four corners, a line, the full-house and the national game on the same card.

    You must be the luckiest man on Earth!'

    'Lucky?' he screamed. 'Lucky? I'll have you know I've got Yellow 24 ..'

    'Bloomin' heck,' says the bingo caller. 'You've won the raffle as well !!
     
  2. redwing

    redwing Registered Members

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  3. Plastic Nev

    Plastic Nev SUPER MODERATOR IN MEMORY

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    From a farmer friend of mine.

    I recently spent £6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull.

    I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow.

    I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.

    Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

    The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows!

    He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbour's cows!

    He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him................



    .......but they kind of taste like peppermint.
     
  4. allheart55 (Cindy E)

    allheart55 (Cindy E) Administrator Administrator

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  5. snoopy

    snoopy Registered Members

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    Be nice to your Nurse.

    When you're hospitalized, it pays to be nice to your nurse, even when you're feeling miserable. A bossy businessman learned the hard way after ordering his nurses around as if they were his employees. But the head nurse stood up to him. One morning she entered his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

    After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his bottom. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back!"

    She left the door to his room open on her way out, and he cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

    Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?" "Yes," said the doctor. "But never with a carnation."
     
  6. allheart55 (Cindy E)

    allheart55 (Cindy E) Administrator Administrator

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  7. Plastic Nev

    Plastic Nev SUPER MODERATOR IN MEMORY

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    He should be thankful it wasn't a rose.......................


    ....................Complete with thorns. :biggrin:


    Nev.
     
  8. allheart55 (Cindy E)

    allheart55 (Cindy E) Administrator Administrator

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  9. snoopy

    snoopy Registered Members

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    "I am not available right now,
    but thank you for caring enough to call.
    I am making some changes in my life.
    Please leave a message after the beep.
    If I do not return your call, you are one of the
    changes."
    ~~~~~
    My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use
    mine.
    ~~~~~
    Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your
    glasses.~~~~~Blessed are those who can give without remembering
    and take without forgetting.
    ~~~~~
    The irony of life is that, by the time you're old
    enough to know your way around, you're not going
    anywhere.
    ~~~~~
    God made man before woman so as to give him time
    to think of an answer for her first question.
    ~~~~~
    I was always taught to respect my elders,
    but it keeps getting harder to find one.
    ~~~~~
    Every morning is the dawn of a new
    error.
    ~~~~~
    Aspire to inspire before you expire.
    ~~~~~
    The happiness of your life depends on the quality of your thoughts.
     
  10. gus

    gus Registered Members

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  11. gus

    gus Registered Members

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    0096928_n.jpg
     
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