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Joke thread.

Discussion in 'The Comedy Club' started by DSTM (Dougie), May 15, 2009.

  1. Plastic Nev

    Plastic Nev SUPER MODERATOR IN MEMORY

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    I might have posted this elsewhere, I have posted it in so many places on the internet I now forget where, but anyway, it is supposedly a true story.
     
    A doctor had been out to a social function and was driving home, perhaps a little inebriated but still not too badly to drive, when he turned round a bend to find a road accident had just recently happened.
    He stopped the car, got out and explained to a police sergeant who was obviously in charge, that he was a doctor and was there anything he could do or help with.
    As it turned out there was one accident victim did require medical attention, at least until the ambulance could get there, so he looked after the patient till the ambulance arrived.
    Once that patient had been taken off to hospital, he was assured there was little more he could do, so it was best if he carried on homeward, so he got in the car and drove off.
    Once home, his wife had been expecting him and left the garage door open, so he drove straight in, shut the garage door in the dark and went into his house and off to bed.
    Early the following morning, there was loud knocking on the front door, so going to investigate, and upon opening the door there stood a policeman, who first handed him his keys, then showed him his car was parked in the street.
    The policeman then politely asked if he could look into the doctors garage, upon opening it up, there in all its blue and white glory, complete with blue and red light array on the roof was a police car, "Can we have it back now" was the policemans request.
     
    Nev.
     
  2. Plastic Nev

    Plastic Nev SUPER MODERATOR IN MEMORY

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    Well now it is the first day of 2013, I can let you into this very bad Christmas cracker joke.

    For any people you may know who are the naturist type that like walking around with no clothes on, I do hope you wished them a Happy Nude Year.

    Nev.
     
  3. Ricardo

    Ricardo Registered Members

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    Grandma's are special:
     
    A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter
    from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.

    Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a
    nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it.

    The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent
    the bottom half of the photo. He's really worried but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.

    A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his
    Grandmother, It says: "Thank you for the
    picture. Change your hairstyle... It makes your
    nose look too short."


    Love,
    Grandma
     
  4. Plastic Nev

    Plastic Nev SUPER MODERATOR IN MEMORY

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    Paddy refused to go to a barbecue, as he said, "Why should I wait in line for a doll I don't want?"



    If that lost you, do you remember the barbie doll?
     
  5. jaylach

    jaylach Registered Members

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    OK... I put this up just about anywhere I go but don't think that I have done so here.

    Do you know the one and only TRUE definition of the word 'politics'? If not, feel more than free to read on... ;)

    We should all know that 'poly~poli' is Greek for many or multiple. EVERYONE knows that 'tics' are blood sucking insects... Need I go further?
     
  6. Plastic Nev

    Plastic Nev SUPER MODERATOR IN MEMORY

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    And here I was thinking polly ticks was the parrot that swallowed a watch. :jump:
     
  7. Match

    Match Registered Members

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    :doh:Please no "Parrots ate them all" jokes
     
  8. DSTM (Dougie)

    DSTM (Dougie) Registered Members

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    The Newlywed
    Tim decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.

    His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks.

    "Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married, I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, hand loading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat."

    Tim gets this horrified look on his face.

    She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

    "There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."

    "Ex wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

    "I wasn't! "
     
  9. andsome

    andsome Registered Members

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    GROAN!!!
     
  10. Plastic Nev

    Plastic Nev SUPER MODERATOR IN MEMORY

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    ~A Cup of Tea ~

    heard from elsewhere-

    One day my Gramma was out, and my Grampa was in charge of me. I was just a little girl maybe 2 1/2 years old. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. Grampa was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Gramma came home.

    My Grampa made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because (as he put it) it was 'just the cutest thing!'

    Gramma waited, and sure enough, here I came down the hall with a cup of tea for Grampa, and she watched him drink it up. Then she said, (as only a Gramma would know), "'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water, is the toilet?"


    Yes, I went "Bleurgh" too.

    Nev.
     
  11. Plastic Nev

    Plastic Nev SUPER MODERATOR IN MEMORY

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    Was it a step too far........?

    The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, ''You had a
    good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater
    seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church always fills
    first now.''

    The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, ''And you told
    me adding a little more beat to the music would bring young people
    back to church, so I supported you when you brought in that rock 'n
    roll gospel choir. Now our services are consistently packed to the
    balcony.''

    ''Thank you, Father,'' answered the young priest. ''I am pleased that
    you are open to the new ideas of youth.''
    ''All of these ideas have been well and good,'' said the elderly
    priest, ''But I'm afraid you've gone too far with the drive-thru
    confessional.'
    '
    ''But, Father,'' protested the young priest, ''my confessions and the
    donations have nearly doubled since I began that!''
    ''Yes,'' replied the elderly priest, ''and I appreciate that. But the
    flashing neon sign, 'Toot 'n Tell or Go to Hell' cannot stay on the
    church roof!"
     
  12. jaylach

    jaylach Registered Members

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  13. Plastic Nev

    Plastic Nev SUPER MODERATOR IN MEMORY

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    A chap I met on the street recently, well that is where he is living at the moment and is looking for somewhere to stay, told me that due to a lack of shall we call it marital action, his wife had sent him to the pharmacy for something that would perhaps help him along in that department. When he returned he gave her a packet of slimming pills.

    He desperately needs a roof over his head, any takers?
     
  14. Match

    Match Registered Members

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    LOL, Nearly as bad as telling your wife when she asks for some new clothes that if she lost weight her old ones would fit her again.
     
  15. Plastic Nev

    Plastic Nev SUPER MODERATOR IN MEMORY

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    Seniors Travel

    A Travel Agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

    He called them into his shop, 'I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a
    fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer.'

    He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel. Then, as can be
    expected, they gladly accepted, and were off!

    About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop. 'And how did you like your holiday?' he asked eagerly.

    'The flight was exciting and the room was lovely,' she said. 'I've come to thank you, but one thing puzzled me.
    Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?

    ACTUALLY, SOME OF US ASK THE SAME QUESTION EVERY MORNING..... !
     
  16. redwing

    redwing Registered Members

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  17. Plastic Nev

    Plastic Nev SUPER MODERATOR IN MEMORY

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    This I am told is a true story.
    A telephone call to the UK government HSE, (Health and Safety Executive)

    Caller :- How can we get rid of unwanted microwaves?

    HSE :- The best thing to do is to turn off whatever is transmitting the microwaves, however that is not always practically possible, so the next best thing is to install adequate shielding. I can advise about experts who can do this.

    Long pause.

    Caller :- Can we not just throw them in the scrap skip like we do with broken toasters?

    Nev.
     
  18. Plastic Nev

    Plastic Nev SUPER MODERATOR IN MEMORY

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    I said to this bloke in the pub, Don't drink that Theakstons dark mild mate, it will make your teeth fall out!

    He looked at me and said "Oh really?"

    I said yep, because it is my pint!!
     
  19. snoopy

    snoopy Registered Members

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    The Bathtub Test
    The family have been talking about putting me in a home, so: during a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"


    "Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person and ask them to empty the bathtub."


    "Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."
    "No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug.

    Do you want a bed next to the window or to mine?" :biggrin:
     
  20. DSTM (Dougie)

    DSTM (Dougie) Registered Members

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    A little red wagon
    A fire fighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

    The girl was wearing a fire fighter’s helmet.

    The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

    The fire-fighter walked over to take a closer look.
    'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the fire fighter said with admiration.

    'Thanks,' the girl replied.
    The fire-fighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

    'Little partner,' the fire fighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your

    rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '

    The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'
     

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