Joke thread.

LMAO

 

A friend visited his daughter yesterday and while there asked her a simple question.

"Can I borrow your newspaper love?"

"Dad" she replied "This is the 21st. century, we don't waste money on newspapers! Here borrow my ipad"

He said,"that fly didn't know what hit it!!!!!"

 

Good One. :nod:

 

I am glad it was only an Ipad, imagine flailing about with a large laptop, and the satisfying crunch as you squash the fly against a wall. (What do you mean the hard drive is now duff? what is a hard drive?) :nod:

 

> The Business Man In The Elevator
>
> A business man got on an elevator. When he entered, there was a
> blonde already inside who greeted him with a bright, "T-G-I-F."
> He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."
> She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.
> He again answered, "S-H-I-T."
> The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her
> biggest smile, and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."
> The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."
> The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.
> 'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"
> The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday.

 

[background=transparent][background=transparent]CIGARETTE:
A pinch of tobacco
rolled in paper
with fire at one end
and a fool at the other!

MARRIAGE:
It's an agreement
wherein
a man loses his bachelor degree
and a woman gains her master

LECTURE:
An art of transmitting Information
from the notes of the lecturer
to the notes of students
without passing through the minds
of either

CONFERENCE:
The confusion of one man
multiplied by the
number present

COMPROMISE:
The art of dividing
a cake in such a way that
everybody believes
he got the biggest piece

TEARS:
The hydraulic force by which
masculine will power is
defeated by feminine water-power!

CONFERENCE ROOM:
A place where everybody talks,
nobody listens
and everybody disagrees later on

ECSTASY :
A feeling when you feel
you are going to feel
a feeling
you have never felt before

CLASSIC:
A book
which people praise,
but never read

SMILE:
A curve
that can set
a lot of things straight!

OFFICE:
A place
where you can relax
after your strenuous
home life

YAWN:
The only time
when some married men
ever get to open
their mouth

EXPERIENCE:
The name
men give
to their
Mistakes

DIPLOMAT:
A person
who tells you
to go to hell
in such a way
that you actually look forward
to the trip

OPTIMIST:
A person
who while falling
from EIFFEL TOWER
says in midway
"SEE I AM NOT INJURED YET!"

MISER:
A person
who lives poor
so that
he can die RICH!

FATHER:
A banker
provided by
nature

BOSS:
Someone
who is early
when you are late
and late
when you are early

POLITICIAN:
One who
shakes your Hand before elections
and your Confidence later [/background] [/background]

 

This thread Puzzles me?...






Its the only thread on the forum that stays on topic.
and yet the whole thread is a big joke.

 

Never mind Match, you can fall about laughing at this simple tale.

I decided that I would try to see if my racing snail would move any faster if I removed its shell.
It didn't work though, it just made it sluggish.

 

And I'd just cleaned my desk, now it's got forehead prints all over it.

 

and i just saw mitt romney doiing a speech.

His words were , he felt woman should be heard as well as men.

I think i am in Love.
kr

 

A mathematician, physicist and economist after Titanic crash on uninhabited island in the middle of Atlantic ocean. Starving to death they found a can of roast beef. They start debating how to open the can without can-opener.
Mathematician suggests to drop the can from the cliff to open it.
Physicist proposes to heat the can on bonfire.
Economist: "Let's suppose the can is opened...."

Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

 

That is so true, and they are always remembered just as we are about to prove were right.

 

Boy , I started on page one of this Joke thread . and loved it.
THanks for starting it, dougie
kayrose

 

for you Match, LOL

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret." - Henny Youngman.

"Marriage is a wonderful invention; but, then again, so is a bicycle repair kit." - Billy Connolly.

"A woman asked her husband to go to the video store and get 'Scent of a Woman'. Her husband came back with a 'Fish Called Wanda'."

"The phrase 'rule of thumb' is derived from and old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb."

"There's only two things about me that my wife doesn't care for:
1) everything I say, and
2) everything I do."

"Why do married men gain weight while bachelors don't ?
Bachelors go to the refrigerator, see nothing they want, then go to bed.
Married guys go to the bed, see nothing they want, then go to the refrigerator."

"A bachelor is a man who never makes the same mistake once."

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her ?"
Dad: "That happens in every country, son."

"They say that breaking up is hard to do - but it's much easier with a restraining order and a rottweiler." - Dakota Shepard.

"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; and then it was too late."

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

"It is a woman's business to get married as soon as possible, and a man's to keep unmarried as long as he can." - George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950), Irish dramatist and critic.

"For others who may not know this: when the preacher says, 'You may now kiss the bride', he's only speaking to the groom." - David Gunter.

"If you don't beat your wife every three days, she'll start tearing up roof tiles." - Chinese saying.

"Make love, not war. I'm married, I do both."

"Bigamy ? It's having one wife too much...
...Monogamy ? It's the same." - Oscar Wilde.

"Marriage is a book of which the first chapter is written in poetry and the remaining chapters are written in prose." - Beverley Nichols.

"Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener !"

"My husband and I married for better or worse - He couldn't do better and I couldn't do worse."

"You never truly know a woman 'til you meet her in court."

"An archaeologist is the best husband any woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her." - Agatha Christie (1891-1976), British detective-story writer.

"Life is a b****, then you marry one."

"A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person." - Mignon McLaughlin.

"A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished." - Zsa Zsa Gabor.

"Ah, yes, 'divorce'. From the Latin for 'having your genitals torn off through your wallet'." - Robin Williams.

"My wife and I are inseparable. In fact, last week it took four state troopers and a dog."

"Q: Do you know the punishment for bigamy ?
A: Two Mothers-in-law."

 

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nodded, "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor.

"No, from skipping."

 

Saw this on another site and got a laugh. :smile2:

Where Did the White Man Go Wrong?

The Indian Chief, "Two Eagles" was asked by a white government official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied. "When white man find land, Indians running it. No taxes, No debt, Plenty buffalo. Plenty beaver. Clean Water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian men spend all day hunting and fishing and all night making love."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled. "Only white man dumb enough to think he can improve system like that."

 

SMiling
kr

 

LITTLE POEM FOR YOU ALL

I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are

I have a little Satnav
I’ve had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones
My Satnav is my wife

It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's sixty kilometers per hour", it says
"You're doing seventy five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice

It fills me up with counselling
Each journey’s pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

[font='Palatino Linotype'][size=3]Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed![/size] [/font]
[font='Palatino Linotype'] [/font]
[i][color=rgb(112,48,160)][font='Palatino Linotype'][size=3]Despite all these advantages[/size] [/font][/color][font='Palatino Linotype'][/font][/i][font='Palatino Linotype'][/font][i][color=rgb(112,48,160)][font='Palatino Linotype'] [/font][/color][font='Palatino Linotype'][/font][/i][font='Palatino Linotype']
[b][i][color=rgb(112,48,160)][font='Palatino Linotype'][size=3]And my tendency to scoff,[/size] [/font][/color][font='Palatino Linotype'][/font][/i][font='Palatino Linotype'][/font][/b][font='Palatino Linotype'][i][color=rgb(112,48,160)][font='Palatino Linotype'] [/font][/color][font='Palatino Linotype'][/font][/i][font='Palatino Linotype']
[b][i][color=rgb(112,48,160)][font='Palatino Linotype'][size=3]I do wish that once in a while[/size] [/font][/color][font='Palatino Linotype'][/font][/i][font='Palatino Linotype'][/font][/b][font='Palatino Linotype'][i][color=rgb(112,48,160)][font='Palatino Linotype'] [/font][/color][font='Palatino Linotype'][/font][/i][font='Palatino Linotype']
[b][i][color=rgb(112,48,160)][font='Palatino Linotype'][size=3]I could turn the damned thing off.[/size] [/font][/color][font='Palatino Linotype'][/font][/i][font='Palatino Linotype'][/font][/b][font='Palatino Linotype'][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font][/font]

 

thank you
starbuck '

us girls are quite handy, eh. :happy: :wink:
kayrose