Discussion in 'The Comedy Club' started by DSTM (Dougie), May 15, 2009.
I like it!
Bubba and Billy were driving down the road while drinking beer when they spotted a roadblock ahead.
"We're gonna get busted," whimpered Billy. "Don't worry," said Bubba.
"We'll just pull over and finish drinkin' these beers, then peel off the label and stick it on our foreheads and then toss the bottles under the seat. Just let me do the talking."
They downed the beer, threw the empties out of sight and put the labels on their foreheads.
When they reached the roadblock, the police officer asked,
"You boys been drinking?"
"No, sir," said Bubba, pointing at the labels.
"Me and Billy are on the patch."
The Cow, an Ant and an Old Fart
A cow, an ant and an old fart are debating on
who is the greatest of the three of them.
The cow said, "I give 20 quarts of milk every
day and that's why I am the greatest!"
The ant said, "I work day and night, summer
and winter, I can carry 52 times my own
weight and that's why I am the greatest!"
Why are you scrolling down? It's your turn
to say something...
Umm.....I must be the greatest, as I spent a great amount of time scrolling down so I could say this! :wave:
Recycling is a rip off!!
You buy something, use it, recycle it and it is made into something else, which you then have to buy?
Fer goodness sakes you already bought it once!!
Never thought of it that way Nev.
But you are so right.
Its worse than that Nev, if you think about it.
Your charged to throw it away. for recycling
During a visit to the Mental Asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
Well, said the Director, we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.
Oh, I understand, said the visitor. A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.
No. said the Director, A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?
While examining his lady patient, the doctor tells her: "Your heart, lungs, pulse & BP are fine. Now let me see that little thing which gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."
The lady started taking off her panties.....
Doctor, stopping her: "No! No! Please put on your clothes. Just show me your tongue."
You beat me to it Kayrose, but we both got the same joke from the same source
A sweet grandmother telephoned St. Joseph 's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?"
The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?"
The grandmother in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 302."
The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room."
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow."
The grandmother said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news."
The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?"
The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302. No one tells me anything here!"
here is another one from the same source Plastic,
One night 4 college students were partying until late and did not study
For a test which was scheduled for the next day.
In the morning, they thought of a plan.
They made themselves look as dirty as possible, with grease and dirt.
They then went to the teacher and said that they had gone to a wedding
Last night and on their return, a tyre burst on their car and they had to
Push the car all the way back home and that they were in no condition to
Do the test.
The teacher kindly allowed them to do a re-test after 3 days.
They thanked him and said they would be ready by that time.
On the third day, they went for their test.
The teacher said that as this was a Special Condition Test, all four were
Required to sit in separate classrooms.
They all agreed as they had prepared well in the last 3 days...
The test consisted of 1 single question, worth a total of 100 Marks........
Q. 1. Which tyre?
a) Front Left B) Front Right
c) Back Left d) Back Right
That was funny!
I love this one.
This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade.
So remember this story the next time someone who knows nothing and cares less tries to make your life miserable.
A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome .. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking BA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"BA?" exclaimed the hairdresser.. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"
"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."
"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."
"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."
"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.
Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it..."
A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome
"It was wonder ful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"
"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."
"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me"
"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
He said: "Who the HELL did your hair?" [/background]
Im still laffing BEECEEBEE.
LOL, lots of love.
Yep, all good ones Kayrose, still laughing myself.
Old guy goes to the doctors and said "Those pills you gave me are quite good, they work well, but they make me walk like a crab."
"Ah" said the doctor, "that is the side effect"
Patrick walks into the bar one night and his face is covered in cuts and scratches.
His friend Mick said who have you been in a scrap with then?
Patrick replied, "Well no one actually, you see the bathroom mirror fell off the hook and broke."
"Ah" says Mick, "You tried to shave without the mirror and cut yourself that way then"
"Well, no not exactly" says Patrick, "I used me mobile to take a picture of meself, and tried to use that"
A Lawyer was addressing a doctor in court.
Lawyer: Dr. Kirby, did you say the victim was stabbed in the jungle?
Doctor Kirby: No, I said he was stabbed in the lumbar region.
On their way to get married, a young couple were involved in a fatal
car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates
waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me
go find out," and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer - for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed
to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect
of it all? "What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?"
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat
bedraggled. “Yes," he informed the couple, "You can get married in Heaven."
"Great!" said the couple. "But we were just wondering; what if things don't
work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
[background=rgb(255, 255, 255)]"What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.
"OH, COME ON!!!" St. Peter shouted. "It took me 3 months to find a priest
up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer???" [/background]
Separate names with a comma.