Discussion in 'The Comedy Club' started by DSTM (Dougie), May 15, 2009.
Good one, Allheart55. :snckr:
This is actually true.
Commenting on a complaint from a Mr. A. P. about a large gas bill,
a spokesman for North West Gas said, 'We agree it was rather high for that
time of year. It's possible Mr. P. has been charged for the gas used up
during the explosion that destroyed his house.'
When the chips are down, I show them a photograph of a potato
It reminds them of better times
An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincent’s Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery,
the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood,
it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out to all the states.
Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery.
His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a jar of candies.
The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be generous again,that you would give me a BMW,
diamonds & money... but you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies".
To this the Arab replied:
"Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins".
I'll never forget how happy I was when I saw my missus walking down the aisle towards me.
My heart was beating fast and the excitement was unbearable.
It seemed to take an age but eventually there she was, standing beside me.
I gave her a cheeky wink and said, "Get that trolley over here, love,
.........they're doing 3 cases of beer for the price of 2."
Patrick was stood at the bar in a pub somewhere in Dublin, he had just finished his first pint which had gone down like it didn't touch the sides, when the barman noticed and said, "I see you have an empty glass Paddy, would you like another one?"
Patrick replied, "Now why would I be needing two empty glasses?"
Sooo..I got pulled over by a cop last night, he came up to me and asked me if I knew why I was being pulled over..I answered with 'what? did you already forget?'...then after a few minutes of awkwardness , he says to me, 'your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking?' so I was honest and said 'well... your eyes are glazed, have you been eating donuts?' ... needless to say I have a pretty hefty ticket to pay...........
A cop without a sense of humour, now how rare is that :lol:
Reminds me of when I was younger and more, stupid? or is Idiotic better and a cop pulled me and asked why I didn't slow down to go round a corner, and I replied "I knew you were behind me so I didn't speed up on the straight".
That reminds me of the time a friend staggered out of the pub, a couple of minutes after closing time, meandering and swaying he finally got to his car. Some fumbling around and a few curse words, he eventually got the key in the door and opened it.
He got into the car, and started it up, then stalled it, so started it again, then took several backwards and forwards moves to get out of where he was parked, then slowly weaved his way down the road.
He hadn't gone more than a hundred yards when the police car pulled out from behind the bush that obscured the small layby the police car had been hidden in, it overtook my friend and pulled in front with the stop light on.
My friend stopped behind the police car, got out and swayed toward it as the policeman got out of his car.
The policeman said "I think you are drunk, please blow into this" More or less shoving the breathalyser right under his nose.
My friend obliged and the policeman took it back, and then said, "I am amazed, according to this you are stone cold sober"
My friend then said "yes I am, it was my turn to be the decoy"
By then, the pub car park was empty.
And then there was the guy the cop pulled over and said, "Papers"...
So the guy said "Scissors...I win" and drove off...
An older lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant
70th birthday by staying overnight in an expensive hotel.
When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her
a bill for $250.00.
She exploded and demanded to know why the charge was so high.
"It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth $250.00 for just
an overnight stay! I didn't even have breakfast."
The clerk told her that $250.00 is the 'standard rate', so she
insisted on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced:
"This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre
which are available for use."
"But I didn't use them," she said.
Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.
He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the
in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous.
"We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here,"
the Manager said.
"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.
"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied,
[size=5]"But I didn't use it!" and the Manager countered with his standard [/size]
After several minutes discussion with the Manager unmoved, [/size] [/font][/color][font=arial][/font]
[font=Arial][size=5][color=black][font=arial][size=5]she decided to pay, wrote a check and gave it to him.
The Manager was surprised when he looked at the check. [/size] [/font][/color][font=arial][/font][/size][font=arial]
[font=Arial][size=5][color=black][font=arial][size=5]"But madam, this check is for only $50.00."
"That's correct. I charged you $200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.
"But I didn't!" exclaims the very surprised Manager.
"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."
[b][u]Don't mess with Senior Citizens[/u][/b][/size] [/font][/color][font=arial][/font][/size][font=arial] [/font][/font][/font][/font][font=arial][font=Arial][font=arial] [/font][/font][/font][font=Arial][font=arial] [/font][/font][font=arial] [/indent][/font]
I would like to share an experience with you, about drinking and driving.
As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities on our way home from the odd social session over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the Marriott Hotel and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before: I took a bus home.
Sure enough I passed a police road block but as it was a bus, they waved it past.
I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise as I have never driven a bus before and am not sure where I got it.
Shave and Haircut.
An old man walks into the barbershop for a shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age.
The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.
When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years.
But he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.
The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does".
Ewwwwww! What would Infection Control say about that!!
RATHER FRIGHTENING NEWS
I read that an astonishing 25% of women are on some form of medication for mental health problems.
The frightening thing is that the other 75% are running round unmedicated.
Sorry ladies. The above is only joking.
haha verryyyyyyyyy interesting,
let us know any exciting news about men.
NAG NAG NAG
An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client. His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, 'What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it' and on and on and on......
Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whisky and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.
While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.
Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go up stairs and give him the good news.
As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.
'They're not hanging Wright tonight,' she said.
He whirled around and screamed, 'FOR PITY'S SAKE WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!'
The well known and distinguished preacher took his position on stage, looking around his audience he asked "Why are we all here?" there was silence for a minute, then a voice from the back replied, "Because we are not all there!"
Sometimes makes me wonder about us on this forum :nod:
Separate names with a comma.