JOKE OF THE DAY

I know where there is a Kitten just like that one called Fudge, although I'm thinking Claw's would be more appropriate.

 

When I was younger I hated going to weddings. It seemed that all of my aunts and the grandmotherly types used to come up to me, poke me in the ribs and cackle, telling me, "YOU'RE NEXT."

They stopped that after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

 

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.

The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly."

The other man said, "What is the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns."

"Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

 

A Doctor at a health conference said “The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High fat diets can be destructive, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”





After several seconds of silence, a 70-year-old man sitting in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake?”

 

Craig's List: Free to good home.

My girlfriend doesn't like my dog, so I appeal to you.

She is a purebred from a wealthy area and I have had her 4 years. She likes to play games. Not totally trained. Has long hair so she's a little... high maintenance, especially the nails, but she loves having them done. Stays up all night yapping but sleeps while I work. Only eats the best, most expensive food. Will NEVER greet you at the door after a long day or give you unconditional love when you're down. Does not bite but she can be mean as hell!

So........anyone interested in my 30 year old, selfish, wicked, gold-digging girlfriend? Come and get her! Me and my dog want her re-homed.

 

Women think differently
Husband's Text Message by cellphone:

"Honey, car hit me when I was out of office. Paula brought me to Hospital. They're doing tests and X-rays. Blow to my head very strong, fortunately it did not cause serious injury, but I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in left leg and they may have to amputate right foot."

Wife's Response:

"Who's Paula?"