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JOKE OF THE DAY

Discussion in 'Joke of the Day' started by DSTM (Dougie), Feb 15, 2014.

  1. DSTM (Dougie)

    DSTM (Dougie) Registered Members

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  2. Plastic Nev

    Plastic Nev SUPER MODERATOR IN MEMORY

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  3. FloydPalmer

    FloydPalmer Registered Members

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    My father said he was buying me Christmas presents from Amazon. Few days later he called me from Brazil!
     
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  4. IceMan37

    IceMan37 Banned

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    Once upon a time, a computer programmer drowned at sea. Many were on the beach and heard him cry out, “F1! F1!”, but no one understood

    :lg_rofl:
     
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  5. gus

    gus Registered Members

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    2016-04-17_102448.jpg
     
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  6. Rustys

    Rustys Registered Members

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    Blonde Password

    During a recent password audit, our I.T. discovered a blonde was using the following password:

    MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofySacramento

    When they asked why such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
     
  7. gus

    gus Registered Members

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  8. Rustys

    Rustys Registered Members

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    Ok not really a joke but funny...


    Wade Miller of Santa Fe, N.M., recently called the Summer Olympics ticket office in Atlanta to inquire about volleyball tickets.

    Miller, 31, was assured that volleyball tickets were available. Then the ticket agent asked for his address and zip code.

    "She put me on hold, then came back and said she couldn't sell tickets to someone who lives outside the United States," Miller said. "She said I needed to call my own national committee."

    Miller spent the next 30 minutes trying to convince the ticket seller, and a supervisor, that New Mexico has been a state since 1912--to no avail.

    Add tickets: Then Miller went to Plan B. He had moved to Santa Fe two years ago from Phoenix and still maintains a residence there, so he decided to have the tickets mailed to his Phoenix address. That did the trick.
     
  9. DSTM (Dougie)

    DSTM (Dougie) Registered Members

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  10. gus

    gus Registered Members

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    What it is to be famous.


    A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

    He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says,
    "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

    Passenger: "Who?"

    Cabbie: "Frank Feldman... he's a guy who did everything right all the time.
    Like my coming along when you needed a cab,
    things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time."

    Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."

    Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete.
    He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis.
    He could golf with the pros.
    He sang like an opera baritone, and danced like a Broadway star.
    And you should have heard him play the piano!.
    Hung well too. He was an amazing guy."

    Passenger: "Sounds like he was somebody really special."

    Cabbie: "Oh hell there's more. He had a memory like a computer.
    He remembered everybody's birthday.
    He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat it with.
    And he could fix anything.
    Not like me -I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out.
    But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right."

    Passenger: "Wow, some guy then."

    Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams.
    Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them.
    But Frank, he never made mistakes, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.
    He would never argue back, even if she was in the wrong.
    And his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.
    He was the perfect man!
    I never knew him to make a mistake!
    No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman."

    Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

    Cabbie: "Well. I never actually met Frank.
    He died, and I married his bloody wife!"
     
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  11. Rustys

    Rustys Registered Members

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    A cowboy named Bud was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture in California when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.

    The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

    Bud looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

    The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.

    The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.

    Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

    Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

    "That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Bud.

    He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young manstuffs it into the trunk of his car.

    Then Bud says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

    The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

    "You're a Congressman for the U.S. Government", says Bud.

    "Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

    "No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of dollars worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep.

    Now give me back my dog.
     
  12. gus

    gus Registered Members

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  13. DSTM (Dougie)

    DSTM (Dougie) Registered Members

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  14. Tony D

    Tony D Administrator Administrator

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  15. gus

    gus Registered Members

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  16. gus

    gus Registered Members

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  17. Rustys

    Rustys Registered Members

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    12 Worst job application mistakes
    1. One candidate wrote up God as a reference (no phone)
    2. One candidate wrote that her hobby was aligatortitting.
    3. An applicant claimed that he was a direct descendant of the Vikings.
    4. A candidate's e-mail containing the word "loves beer" (love beer)
    5. A candidate had written "Ages and Universe champion" under the field "Experience."
    6. A candidate began the application with "Do you want a tiger?"
    7. A candidate focused specifically on to emphasize that he was not gypsy.
    8. A candidate let that premise to accept the position that he was having with his at work.
    9. One candidate wrote "In five years I have your job"
    10. An applicant sent a 24-page CV for a five-year career.
    11. A candidate included a photo of their cat with CV- one.
    12. An applicant sent a video in which he tried to hypnotize HR manager to hire him.
     
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  18. gus

    gus Registered Members

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    Ralph & Edna:




    Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph
    and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,
    Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

    Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director
    became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
    considered her to be mentally stable.

    When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being
    discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

    The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry,but he's dead.'

    Edna replied, 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry'.

    How soon can I go home?'
     
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  19. allheart55 (Cindy E)

    allheart55 (Cindy E) Administrator Administrator

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  20. allheart55 (Cindy E)

    allheart55 (Cindy E) Administrator Administrator

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