JOKE OF THE DAY

Another cat and mouse thing eh?

 

A true story from the pages of the Manchester, NH Evening News:


Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for Salford station leaned over

to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get

his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a

bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate

window.


For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver

said, "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me."

The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't

realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly." The

driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault.

Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25

years."

 

One for Dougie, and indeed any other Australian member.

A very loud Texan Engineer was visiting Australia, and talking big about all of the large civil works in the USA that he was involved in. To be polite his Australian counterpart took him on a tour of some of Sydney's larger constructions.

First he took him to Gladesville Bridge. The Texan exclaimed, "What's that!" In reply the Australian said, "That's the Gladesville Bridge".

"Hmmph" said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?" The Australian replied, "About 5 years with 1000 men."

The Texan replied, "Well in Texas we would've done it in 2 years with 500 men."

Next they went to the Sydney Opera House. "What's that" said the Texan. "That's the Sydney Opera House" was the reply.

"Hmmph" said the Texan, "How long and how many men did it take to build?" The Australian replied, "About 10 years with 200 men."

The Texan replied "Well in Texas we would've done it in 4 years with 200 men."

By this stage the Australian was a little put out by the Texan's attitude so he decided to get some revenge, they walked around the Sydney Opera House and as they did the Sydney Harbor Bridge came into view.

Immediately the Texan exclaimed, "Wow! What's that?"

The Australian Engineer replied, "I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."

 

Today I bought a packet of salted nuts. On the pack it read, 'WARNING - may contain nuts.' Well I'd be really disappointed if a sock fell out."

 

The housewife went to the door when the doorbell rang and there stood a man with a toolbox who announced, "I am the piano tuner"
She said, "I didn't send for a piano tuner!"
He replied "I know, but your neighbours did"!

 

"If your nose was running money"
http://1funny.com/if-my-nose-was-running-money/

 

Men Do Remember

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not
in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He
appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter,dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room. 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th
Anniversary of the day we met.'

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago when
we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 16,' he says solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears.

'Yes, I do,' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember,' said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to prison for 20 years?'

'I remember that, too,' she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and
said, 'I would have gotten out today.'

 

"Don't half-a$$ anything. Whatever you do, always use your full a$$."

- "School librarian: OK, who filed all the math books in the Horror section?"

- "Music can cure things medication can't."

"For Sale: parachute. Only used once. Never opened."