JOKE OF THE DAY

A Shave and a Shoe Shine

A fellow sat on the barber's chair "I'll have a shave and a shoe shine says he .....
The barber began to lather his face, while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful real breasts he'd ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The Texan said, "Young lady, you and I should go spend some time in a hotel room."
She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that."
The Texan says, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the difference."
She said, "You tell him; you're closer.

 

Talking Centipede

This bloke walks into a pet shop and says to the owner. "Hey mate I want to buy a pet, but I don't want a boring normal
pet, no cats (sorry BC2Tweak), nor any dogs or budgies I want something different."

The pet shop owner thinks for a while and says to him that he’s got this talking centipede.

"REALLY?" Says the bloke "How much?"

The owner thinks for a while and says to him that the talking centipede is only $29.99. The bloke pays the money and takes his new pet home.

The bloke goes straight home and he puts the match box with the centipede in it on the table, opens it and says
"Hello Nigel (hey I didn’t name him right LoL), you wanna go to the pub for a few beers?" We might see jasonX chuggin a few and chasing his nurses LoL
the centipede says nothing!! Figuring it must be tired from the journey he decides to leave it for an hour and try again later.

An hour later he opens the match box and says "Hey there Nigel, fancy going to the pub for a few beers?" The centipede again
says nothing. Starting to get suspicious the bloke decides he will give it one more hour, and if the centipede doesn't talk he will take it back to the shop
and get his money back.

An hour later the man opens the match box and says "Last time Nigel, fancy going to the pub for a few beers?"
The centipede says "I heard you the first time ya whacker! I'm still putting my shoes on!!!"

 

I was drinking at the bar last night, so I took a bus home...That may not be a big deal to you, but I've never driven a bus before.

 

Two policemen call the station on their radio.

"Hello. ..... Is this the Sarge?"

"Yes?"

"We have a case here, Sarge. A woman has shot her husband dead for stepping on the floor she had just mopped."

"Have you arrested the woman?"

"No Sarge. The floor is still wet."

 

Jimmy knocked on the door and an obvious husband opened it, Jimmy said "Your wife has just made me crash my car into a tree"
Husband replied, "She can't have done, she is upstairs having a shower"
Jimmy replied, "I know,----- your curtains are open".