JOKE OF THE DAY

Cardiologist and the Mechanic
A motor mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a BMW M3
when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was
there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car
when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc, want to take a look
at this?"

The cardiologist, a bit surprised walked over to where the mechanic was
working on the BMW. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag
and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the
valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything
back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new.

So how is that I make £40,000 a year and you make £1.7M when you and I are
doing basically the same work?"
The cardiologist paused, leaned over and whispered,

"Try doing it with the engine running."

 

That last one reminds me of the gynaecologist who got sick and tired of doing the job, so he resigned from the gynaecology department and went back to college to train as a motor mechanic.
After several months and weeks of the course, the whole class had an assignment to completely strip down a worn car engine, replace worn out parts and rebuild it back to a running engine.
He accomplished the strip down, and replacement of worn parts, and also rebuilt it and managed to get it started again.
When it came to to the examination results, he was very pleased to see he had gained a 100% mark for both the strip down and the rebuild, but quite puzzled as to why he got an overall 150% in the final remarks.

He went to the course lecturer who had undertook the tests and asked why the strange figure of 150%.
The lecturer replied, "Well, you did the strip down perfectly, recognised exactly which parts were requiring replacement and also rebuilt the engine correctly. However the 150% is because it was the first time I had seen any one do all that through the exhaust pipe."

 

The Gunfighter.

A young cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West.
The cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great shot.
'Could you give me some tips?' he asked.
The old man said: 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high - tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?'
'Sure will.'
The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his .44 and shot the bow tie off the Piano Player.
'That's terrific!' said the cowboy. 'Got any more tips?'
'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it - that'll give you a smoother draw.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.
The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the Piano Player.
'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy. 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'
The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'
The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun.
'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'
'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.
'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun right up your butt, and it won't hurt half as much.'

 

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat, and one says to the other, "I hear that the people in this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America , we might as well do as the Americans do."

As they sit, they hear a push cart vendor yelling,
"Hot Dogs, get your dogs here," and they both walk towards the cart.

"Two dogs, please!," says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over.
Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.'

The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush, and then, after staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and in a soft Irish brogue whispers:

"What part did you get?"

 

The bucket method....
Three women get together for coffee and the topic of conversation turns to contraception.

The first woman says "We've used the rythm method for years. The Holy Father approves of it and its surprisingly effective - it's only ever failed us twice"

The second woman says "Holy Father, Shmoly Father. We don't go for all that pious claptrap. We've always used the pill. It's easy, it doesn't rob us of our pleasure and it's only ever failed us once"

The third woman says We've always used the plate and bucket method. My husband and I met in the army and it was hard to get any private time with each other so we'd usually hide out in a closet somewhere. My husband, being shorter than me, would have to stand on a bucket. When I'd see his eyes get as big and round as plates I'd kick the bucket out from under him. It's never failed us."

 

THE ULTIMATE ETHNIC JOKE !!



An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 2 Africans,




... Walk into a fine restaurant.





"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group.




"You can't come in here without a Thai.

 

And there is more!

A pharmacist walked into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall.
"What's wrong with him?", he asked his assistant.
"He came in for cough syrup, but I couldn't find any
so I gave him an entire box of laxatives."
"You idiot" said the chemist, "You can't treat a cough with laxatives."
"Of course you can" the assistant replied,
"Look at him.........he daren't cough now!!"

 

I confess!
A guy goes into the confessional box after years
being away from the Church.

He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down.
There's a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses,
fine brandy, reserve Scotch whiskey, vintage wine,
Guinness on tap, Cuban cigars and liqueur chocolates
nearby. Lining the walls a fine photographic display of
buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their clothing.
He hears a priest come in:

"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since
I've been to confession and I must admit that the
confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.

The priest replies. "Get out, you idiot........you're on my side.

 

While attending a "Harmony for Couples" weekend, Dave and his partner, Ann, listened to the instructor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He then addressed the men, "Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?"

Dave leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered, "It's Homepride, isn't it?"

The divorce goes through next week.

 

As I put the steak, home made chips & some coleslaw down on the table in front of my wife last night she looked at me with a big smile.

"Dave, are you feeling OK?" she giggled, "I've got to text the girls and tell them about this!"

"Well hurry up!" I said, "You're sitting in my seat."

 

Hints on how to liven up your idle hours
To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity:

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer
At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down. 2. On all your check stubs, write 'For Marijuana'

2. Skip down the street, rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

4. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

5. Sing Along At The Opera.

6. When The Money Comes Out of the ATM, scream 'I Won! I Won!'

7. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Car Park, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

8. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, we are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.' And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity :

9. Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.


It's Called ....THERAPY

 

The Irish portrait painter.

A painter by the name of Paddy Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist. Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to him in the town of Doolin, County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.

One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked Paddy if he would paint her in the nude. This being the first time anyone had made such a request, Paddy was in quite a quandary, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object, and she was willing to pay up to 10,000 Euro for such a painting.

Not wanting to get into any marital strife, Paddy asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife. In a few minutes he returned with a smile on his face.

"T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said. "The wife says it's okay, so I'll paint ya in da nude all right . But I has to at least leave me socks on so I has a place to wipe me brushes."