JOKE OF THE DAY

Colin the Aborigine
A rich man living in Darwin decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours.

He also invited Colin, the only aborigine in the neighbourhood. He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion.

Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating prawns, oysters, from the BBQ and flirting.

At the height of the party, the host said, 'I have a 15ft man-eating crocodile in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in.'

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and
everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, doing all kinds of stuff like head butts and choke holds, biting the croc on the tail and flipping the croc through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.

The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc were screaming and raising hell… Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a dead goldfish.

Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool.
Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.

The host says, 'Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.'

'Nah, you all right boss, I don't want it,' said Colin.

The rich man said, 'Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?'

'No thanks... I don't want it,' answered Colin.

The host said, 'Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche AND a Rolex AND some stock options?’

Again, Colin said "No."

Confused, the rich man asked, 'Well Colin, then what do you want?

Colin said,

‘I want the bastard who pushed me in.’

 

This could be news but it fits better here I think:
Dog Gets Summoned for Jury Duty In New Jersey
http://time.com/65072/dog-gets-called-for-jury-duty/

 

It comes to us all doesn't it?

Just before the funeral service, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, 'How old was your husband?
'98,' she replied...
'Two years older than me.'
'So you're 96,' the undertaker commented..
She responded, 'Hardly worth going home, is it?'

 

Can we be sure it is safe to go out after seeing this?

I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes.
I'm half blind,
can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
take 40 different medications that
make me dizzy, winded, and subject to
blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia..
Have poor circulation;
hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

 

I THINK YOU'RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS...
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.He's rather taken aback because he can't place why he knows her. So he says, 'Do you know me?'To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids. Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery 'She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

 

If you know any guys about to get married, please show them this.