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Joke thread.

Discussion in 'The Comedy Club' started by DSTM (Dougie), May 15, 2009.

  1. kayrose

    kayrose Banned

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    Grandma and grandpa were watching a religious healing program on TV.

    The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed, to put one hand on the TV
    and the other on the body part they wanted healed.

    Grandpa hobbled to the TV and put one hand on the TV and the other on his crotch.

    Grandma looked at him with disgust... "You just don't understand do you, you old coot..
    The purpose of this program is to heal the sick, not raise the dead!"
     
  2. kayrose

    kayrose Banned

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    - Did you hear about the new Viagra computer virus? It turns your floppy disk into a hard drive.


    - Why men are like computers: 1) they are useless until you turn them on. 2) They have lots of data but are still clueless. 3) As soon as you pick one, a better model comes on the market!


    - Why women are like computers: 1) No one really understands them. 2) All our mistakes are stored in their memory. 3) You find yourself spending all your money on accessories for them!

    oh well'

    LOL
     
  3. kayrose

    kayrose Banned

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    A crusty looking old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account."
    To which the astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir.
    I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
    "Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking accountright now!"
    "I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank."
    With that the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation.
    The both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"
    "There's no damn problem", the man says, "I just won 50 million bucks in the damnlottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!"
    "I see", says the manager, "and this b**** is giving you a hard time?"
     
  4. Plastic Nev

    Plastic Nev SUPER MODERATOR IN MEMORY

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    My ex-wife, the Pilot.........................................


    My ex-wife started taking flying lessons about the time our divorce started and
    she got her license shortly before our divorce was final, later that same year.

    Yesterday afternoon, she narrowly escaped injury in the aircraft she was piloting when she
    was forced to make an emergency landing in Southern Tennessee because of bad weather.

    Thank God our kids were with me this weekend.

    The NTSB issued a preliminary report, citing pilot error: She was flying a single engine aircraft in
    IFR (instrument flight rating) conditions while only having obtained a VFR (visual flight rating) rating.
    The absence of a post-crash fire was likely due to insufficient fuel on board.

    No one on the ground was injured.

    The photograph below was taken at the scene and shows the extent of damage to her aircraft.

    She was very lucky.


    [​IMG]
     
  5. DSTM (Dougie)

    DSTM (Dougie) Registered Members

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    Read this on a site and thought you may get a laugh.
    How true. :nod:


    For the Gents...Sat nav

    I have a little satnav
    It sits in my car
    A satnav is a driver's friend
    It tells you where you are

    I have a little satnav
    I've had it all my life
    It’s better than the normal ones
    My satnav is my wife

    It gives me full instructions
    Especially how to drive
    "It's thirty miles an hour", it says
    "You're doing thirty five"

    It tells me when to stop and start
    And when to use the brake
    And tells me that it's never ever
    Safe to overtake

    It tells me when a light is red
    And when it goes to green
    It seems to know instinctively
    Just when to intervene

    It lists the vehicles just in front
    And all those to the rear
    And taking this into account
    It specifies my gear.

    I'm sure no other driver
    Has so helpful a device
    For when we leave and lock the car
    It still gives its advice

    It fills me up with counselling
    Each journey's pretty fraught
    So why don't I exchange it
    And get a quieter sort?

    Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
    Makes sure I'm properly fed,
    It washes all my shirts and things
    And - keeps me warm in bed!

    Despite all these advantages
    And my tendency to scoff,
    I do wish that once in a while
    I could turn the damned thing off
     
  6. snoopy

    snoopy Registered Members

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    You have to love Maxine .. enjoy!!

    elections in November.GIF

    recycling.jpg

    around the house.JPG

    beans & elevators.gif
     
  7. andsome

    andsome Registered Members

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    Like it.
     
  8. BeeCeeBee

    BeeCeeBee ADMINISTRATOR IN MEMORY

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    :jump: Didn't see that coming!
     
  9. Plastic Nev

    Plastic Nev SUPER MODERATOR IN MEMORY

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    Scientists have discovered a special treatment for cow and other animal excrement. The treatment acts like a catalyst which sets up a strange reaction that turns the manure solid. It is so hard when set that the plan is to use it in construction, or even in place of other well known materials such as plastic or metal.
    The first thing they cast or created with it was a large copy of one of the bells in Big Ben. However when they tried to ring it, the only sound it made was-
    _
    -
    -
    -
    -
    -
    -
    --

    "DUNG".


    Nev.
     
  10. andsome

    andsome Registered Members

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    GROAN!!!!!
     
  11. Match

    Match Registered Members

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    I think that joke is about as good as this one.
    http://youtu.be/2RNW90Q2YJk
     
  12. andsome

    andsome Registered Members

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    Another GROAN!!!
     
  13. allheart55 (Cindy E)

    allheart55 (Cindy E) Administrator Administrator

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  14. allheart55 (Cindy E)

    allheart55 (Cindy E) Administrator Administrator

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    During a visit to the Mental Asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criteria was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

    Well, said the Director, We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.

    Oh, I understand, said the visitor. A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

    No. said the Director, A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?
     
  15. Ricardo

    Ricardo Registered Members

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    BEST EVER SENIOR CITIZEN JOKE

    A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

    Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

    The
    little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

    Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

    She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

    He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

    "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

    He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............



    "Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
     
  16. Ricardo

    Ricardo Registered Members

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    Beware of the most recent eBay scam!

    If you buy stuff on line, check out the seller carefully, and be
    careful what you purchase on eBay.
    A friend of mine spent $50 on a private parts enlarger.
    Bastards sent him a magnifying glass.
    Instructions said, "Do not use in the sunlight"
     
  17. DSTM (Dougie)

    DSTM (Dougie) Registered Members

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    I like that one, Rich. :jump:
     
  18. Plastic Nev

    Plastic Nev SUPER MODERATOR IN MEMORY

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    A couple were Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the
    mall was packed.
    As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see
    her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a
    lot to do.

    Because she was so worried, she called him on her mobile phone to ask
    him where he was.

    In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry
    store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that
    diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would
    get it for you one day?"

    The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that
    jewelry store."

    He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."
     
  19. redwing

    redwing Registered Members

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    g r o a n . . . :lol:
     
  20. redwing

    redwing Registered Members

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    One dark night outside a small town of Vegreville in Alberta, a fire started inside the local sausage plant and in a blink it exploded into massive flames.

    The alarm went out to all the fire departments from miles around.

    When the Vegreville volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, 'All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant.

    They must be saved and I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.'

    But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

    Soon more fire departments from surrounding towns had to be called in as the situation became desperate.

    As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

    From a distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight.

    It was the nearby Redwater rural township volunteer fire department composed of Ukrainians over the age of 65.

    To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Ukrainians, passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.

    Outside, the other firemen watched in awe as the Ukrainian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before.

    Within a short time, the Redwater old-timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.

    The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Ukrainian firefighters.

    The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, 'What are you going to do with all that money?'

    'Vell,' said Nick Kuchmak, the 70-year-old fire chief,
    '.....da furst thing vee gonna do is fix da brakes on dat ______ truck!
     

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