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Joke thread.

Discussion in 'The Comedy Club' started by DSTM (Dougie), May 15, 2009.

  1. DSTM (Dougie)

    DSTM (Dougie) Registered Members

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    Post all your Jokes in this Thread. Keep them Family,Please Guys.

    Trouble in the Hen House.:D

    A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud rooster for his chicken coop. The rooster struts over to the old rooster and says, 'OK, old fart, time to retire.' The old rooster replies,' come on, you can't handle ALL these chickens. Look what it's done to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens over in the corner?'

    The young rooster says, 'Beat it! You're washed up and I'm taking over.' The old rooster says 'I'll tell you what, young stud, I'll race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins gets exclusive domain over the entire chicken coop.' The young rooster laughs, 'You know you don't stand a chance old man, so just to be fair, I'll give you a head start. '

    The old rooster takes off running. About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off after him. They round the front of the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the gap. He's already about 5 inches behind the old rooster and gaining fast. The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting on the front porch when he sees the roosters running by. He grabs up his shotgun and BOOM!,end of young Rooster. The farmer sadly shakes his head, 'Damn,...third gay rooster I bought this month.'
     
  2. Match

    Match Registered Members

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    LOL the old ones are the best

    there is a group of blind people on a day trip, on the coach jurney home the coach driver spots a nice country pub next to a village common, and being a nice day suddenly the thought of half a pint of larger becomes to much of a temptation, and thinking that all the people on board are blind decides they will never know.

    Mind made up he stops outside the pub, makes his excuses and dives into the pub, after downing half a pint in two gulps he decides that maybe just one more, as he is about to order the next drink one of the party come stumbling into the pub knocking over tables and falling over chairs, quickly the driver grabs him and asks what he is doing, the bind man asks while we are stopped is there a green where we can have a game of football,

    bemused the driver asks, how can you play football when you cant see your own hand in front of your face,
    the blind man explains that they have a ball with a bell in it and that they can hear where the ball is, satisfied with the explanation the coach driver leads them off the coach and to the village green,

    after watching for a short while amazed at how accurately they can locate the ball he retires to the pub to drink his second half, just as he raises the glass to his lips one of the locals runs in shouting for who's in charge of the blind party,

    annoyed and surprised the coach driver reply's I am why, the local says you had better come quickly they are kicking the morris dancers round the common
     
  3. maynardvdm

    maynardvdm Member

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    Q: What did England do after they won the Rugby World Cup?

    A: Switch off the Playstation :D
     
  4. DSTM (Dougie)

    DSTM (Dougie) Registered Members

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    Very Funny Jokes,Guys.:D

    AND THAT'S WHEN THE FIGHT STARTED.

    My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?' I said, 'Dust.' And that's when the fight started....

    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.' So I bought her a scale. And that's when the fight started......

    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... So, I took her to a gas station. And that's when the fight started....

    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started....

    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment." I replied, "'Your eyesight's damn near perfect." And that's when the fight started....

    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95. Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream. And that's when the fight started....

    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday... And that's when the fight started....

    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?" And that's when the fight started....

    ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

    My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to make love?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started....


    --------------------
     
  5. BeeCeeBee

    BeeCeeBee ADMINISTRATOR IN MEMORY

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    Those are brilliant Dougie!
     
  6. BeeCeeBee

    BeeCeeBee ADMINISTRATOR IN MEMORY

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    Last fall I managed a business trip to my home in New Jersey and was really pleased to find that my son had left me a ticket to the New York Giants (NFL) football game. Now for those of you who don’t know the waiting list for season tickets to the Giant's games is about 15 years. Tickets are actually the subject of any number of estate disputes.

    So even though I was seated high enough to require breathing apparatus I was nonetheless just glad to be there.

    All during the first half I was looking through my binoculars and noticed an empty seat about 15 rows up from the 50 yard line (midfield for you Brits etc.)
    It stayed that way all though the half.

    At halftime I decided to go down and ask if the seat was taken knowing full well that it would be unoccupied. I asked the fellow in the next seat and he told me that it had belonged to his wife but she had passed away and that I was free to use it for the day.

    We struck up a conversation and finally asked why he had not given the seat to a friend a relative. "I tried," he said but they all decided to go to the funeral.
     
  7. DSTM (Dougie)

    DSTM (Dougie) Registered Members

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    Good One,BeeCeeBee.:D

    A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
    Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

    'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once.
    TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
    They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never!
    Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.
    You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'
    The wife stared at him.

    'What in the hell, is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'
    The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.':D
     
  8. pchelp68

    pchelp68 Senior Member

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    I urgently needed a few days off work, but I knew the Boss would not
    allow me to take leave. I thought that maybe if I acted
    'Crazy' then he would tell me to take a few days off. So, I hung upside-down
    on the ceiling and made funny noises.

    My co-worker (who's blonde) asked me what I was doing.
    I told her that I was pretending to be a light bulb, so that the Boss might think I was 'Crazy' and give me a few days off.A few minutes later the Boss came into the office and asked, 'What in the name of good GOD are you doing?I told him I was a light bulb.

    He said, 'You are clearly stressed out.' Go home and
    recuperate for a couple of days.' I jumped down and walked out of the office...

    When my co-worker (the blonde) followed me, the Boss
    asked her,"...And where do you think you're going?"(You're gonna love this....) She said, 'I'm going home too. I can't work in the dark.
     
  9. DSTM (Dougie)

    DSTM (Dougie) Registered Members

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    That one craked me up.:D I needed a good joke today.
     
  10. pchelp68

    pchelp68 Senior Member

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    Thanks DOUGIE. :D Glad I could oblige.
     
  11. DirtyPolo

    DirtyPolo Inactive Staff Member

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    You've been programming too long when
    When you are counting objects, you go "0,1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,A,B,C,D...".

    When asked about a bus schedule, you wonder if it is 16 or 32 bits.

    When your wife says "If you don't turn off that darn machine and come to bed,then I am going to divorce you!", and you chastise her for for omitting the else clause.

    When you are reading a book and look for the space bar to get to the next page.

    When you look for your car keys using: "grep keys /dev/pockets"

    When after fooling around all day with routers etc, you pick up the phone and start dialing an IP number.

    When you get in the elevator and double-press the button for the floor you want.

    When not only do you check your email more often than your paper mail, but you remember your {network address} faster than your postal one.

    When you go to balance your checkbook and discover that you're doing the math in octal.

    When you dream in 256 pallettes of 256 colors.
     
  12. allheart55 (Cindy E)

    allheart55 (Cindy E) Administrator Administrator

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    DOG FOR SALE



    FREE to an approved home. Excellent guard dog, loves other small-dog breeds.

    Answers to the name of Dolly. Will eat anything, owner cannot afford to feed her

    anymore, as there are no more kids, thieves, murderers, rapists or molesters left

    in the neighborhood. Your help would be greatly appreciated ........



    [​IMG]
     
  13. Patrick

    Patrick Senior Member

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    When Farah Faucett died she went up to the pearly gates and ST. Peter told her Since you have lived such a good life I will grant you one wish. So Farah said "I wish that all the children would be safe" so Micheal Jackson died.......
     
  14. DSTM (Dougie)

    DSTM (Dougie) Registered Members

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    Rob (rowal5555) Emailed me this one.:D



    WHY WOMEN SHOULDN'T TAKE MEN SHOPPING


    After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her

    on her trips to the Warehouse. Unfortunately, like most men, I found

    shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my

    wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

    Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Warehouse.




    Dear Mrs. Hudson,

    Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We

    cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the

    store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. J.Hudson are listed below and are

    documented by our video surveillance cameras.



    1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't

    looking.



    2. July 2:

    Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.


    4. July 19:

    Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get

    on it right away?. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and

    receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union

    grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.



    5. August 4:

    Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layby.



    6. August 14:

    Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.



    7. August 15:

    Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite

    them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to

    which twenty children obliged.



    8. August 23:

    When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't

    you people just leave me alone?' Police were called.



    9. September 4:

    Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked

    his nose.



    10. September 10:

    While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk

    where the antidepressants were.



    11. October 3:

    Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission

    Impossible' theme.



    12. October 6:

    In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of

    funnels.

    13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,

    yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'



    14. October 21:

    When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and

    screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
    And last, but not least:



    15. October 23:

    Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly,

    'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.
     
  15. DirtyPolo

    DirtyPolo Inactive Staff Member

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    Rumour has it that when Michael Jackson arrived at the hospital he was perfectly fine, it was only when he went past the Children's Ward that he went stiff!
     
  16. Patrick

    Patrick Senior Member

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    In honor of Micheal Jackson dieing mcdonalds came out with a new burger. the Mcjackson burger. It consists of 50 year old meat between 2 10 year old buns
     
  17. BeeCeeBee

    BeeCeeBee ADMINISTRATOR IN MEMORY

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    A little good taste would not hurt here guys. This is still a family forum.

    (Although I have to admit I laughed at your first one a lot Patrick.) Still I have seen this Michael Jackson thing get out of hand on another forum and would not want it to happen here.
     
  18. pchelp68

    pchelp68 Senior Member

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    THIS SHOULD END ALL 3 BEARS STORIES....

    Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small

    chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl.

    It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!!'

    he squeaks. Papa Bear arrives at the big table and

    sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl, and

    it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my

    Porridge?!!' he roars. Momma Bear puts her head

    through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells,

    'How many times do we have to go through this with you idiots? It was

    Momma Bear who got up first, it was Momma Bear who

    woke everyone in the house, it was Momma Bear who made
    the coffee, it was Momma Bear who unloaded the

    dishwasher from last night, and put everything away,

    it was Momma Bear who went out in the cold early

    morning air to fetch the newspaper, it was Momma Bear

    who set the damn table, it was Momma Bear who put the

    friggin cat out, cleaned the litter box, and filled

    the cat's water and food dish, and, now that you've

    decided to drag your sorry bear-a--es downstairs, and

    grace Momma Bear's kitchen with your grumpy presence,

    listen good, cause I'm only going to say this one more

    time.....

    'I HAVEN'T MADE THE F---- PORRIDGE YET'!
     
  19. BeeCeeBee

    BeeCeeBee ADMINISTRATOR IN MEMORY

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    That was great ! :lglaf:
     
  20. allheart55 (Cindy E)

    allheart55 (Cindy E) Administrator Administrator

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